Once upon a time, before I moved to Indiana and met my husband I was engaged for about three weeks. I’ve never shared the story of the proposal until now. It was too painful to relive stuck in my trauma cycle. I didn’t want to think about it because it brought up so much other baggage. Now, it’s no longer painful, plus the holiday always reminds me of the event even though it happened a few days later. It’s not written as well as I would have liked, leaving a lot to the imagination, but that’s probably for the best.
I was tired but not in the exhausted sense. I was content, happy even as my boyfriend and I pulled into the parking lot of our favorite park late one warm July evening. There wasn’t much conversation between us as we walked half way around the small pond hand in hand before sitting side by side on our usual bench. There were only a few scattered people here and there which was unusual for such a nice evening. I sat snuggled up under his arm for about an hour. We didn’t really talk, just took it all in, which was also pretty unusual. He was rarely quiet for more than a few moments at a time, let alone quiet and still but there, in that night he was.
After about an hour of silence, I stood, straightened my skirt and straddled his lap putting my arms gently around his neck so I could see his face.
“Are you okay?” I asked leaning in and giving him a gentle kiss.
“Yeah. I’m just enjoying hanging out with my woman… and thinking about leaving.” He answered honestly, a sleepy, content look in his eyes. “I’m going to miss you. Six weeks is a long time.”
“It is kind of a long time, but I’ll be busy at work and you’ll be busy training. It will fly by, and then when you get home we can get our own place and finally get away from my mom, get married, and have adorable babies.” I answered with a smile, leaning in for another kiss.
“If you’re here when I get back.” He answered, rejecting my advance as the smile in his eyes began to fade to something darker.
“What do you mean? Where am I going to go? It’s not like I’m going to run off and join the circus.” I said with a sarcastic laugh. “I love you. I want to marry you and have your babies. I just said that like two seconds ago.”
“Well yeah. You do now, but we’ve never been apart for more than a few days, and we won’t even get to talk to each other for over a month. You might decide you like it on your own without me being obnoxious and getting on your nerves all the time.” He replied seriously.
“The only thing that gets on my nerves is when you do this. Talking about how I’m going to leave you. I love you, and I don’t know why you won’t believe me. I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me. Deal with it.” I huffed, annoyed that we had ended up at that place yet again putting a damper on our otherwise wonderful evening.
“Am I? Am I stuck with you?” He asked with a smirk.
“Yes, goddammit. You are, so get over it.” I answered putting my forehead against his and taking in the way the moonlight reflected in his eyes. “Do you know what you need? Naughty Time.”
“Here?” He asked perking up, a different kind of darkness filling his eyes.
“Sure. Why not? There’s no body around.” I answered beginning to slowly rock back and forth on his lap, with a coy grin across my face.
“Kelli, those people. Look.” He said pointing off into the distance behind me, shifting uncomfortably underneath my weight.
I briefly turned around to see a man and woman with fishing poles setting up their lines on a small bridge on the other side of the pond.
“They’re way over there. They won’t notice.” I insisted retuning my focus toward him.
“Trust me. They’ll notice.” He persisted, shifting again under my weight.
“For all they know, I’m innocently sitting on your lap like I have been for the past twenty minutes. You can’t tell with my skirt.” I argued, reaching for his belt.
“Kelli, quit. I’m leaving in three weeks I can afford to get another ticket or get arrested.” He said smacking my hand away from his belt buckle.
“Whatever. That hasn’t stopped you before.” I replied, disappointed and a little hurt by his rejection even though it made sense. I slid off of his lap and returned chastised to my side of the bench.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. We just can’t here. If you really want to, I know a place we can go.” He said softly as he wrapped his arm around me brushing his hand across my chest.
“So let’s go.” I said leaning into him and tugging on his zipper.
“Alright. We’ll go, but we have to wait a moment. I… can’t walk right now. Give me a minute.” He answered as I stood and did a flirty little dance. “Okay, that’s not helping.”
“Sorry.” I said biting my lower lip, and returning to my seat on the bench next to him, crossing my legs and gracefully folding my hands in my lap.
He only smiled at me for the few moments until he was able to stand. Once he did, he adjusted his belt, and took my hand and we quickly made our way back to the car.
Not even bothering to put on his seat belt, we zipped out of the parking lot and he took me on a whirl wind trip through neighborhoods and down back roads I’d never seen before, until we pulled into a small parking lot just off of the road. I couldn’t find that place again if I tried but it was distinctive in that there were no lights, but tall shadowy pines graced the bank of a rather large lake. We excitedly hopped out of the car as I followed him down a small hill to a path.
It was nearly pitch black, the only light the light of the moon which had been peeking in and out of clouds all day and the dimly lit display on his phone.
“Slow down. I lost a shoe.” I said, tripping over my remaining flip flop as it slipped from my foot as well.
“Where is it? Did you find it?” He asked, pausing his quick decent down the hill and returning to help me look for my shoe.
“No. I can’t see. Oh! There it is. Got it.” I answered bending down to pick up my shoes.
I carried my shoes the rest of the short walk enjoying the cool wet grass between my toes. After a few more yards bumbling in the dark we came upon a picnic table. He scooped me up off the ground and sat me down on the edge of the picnic table his hands resting around my waist as he pressed himself between my thighs.
“How is this better than the bench? It’s all sorts of in the open. You can see it from the parking lot.” I asked, not exactly upset with the idea, but more confused as to why the bench at our usual spot wasn’t acceptable.
“There’s no lights. You can see two people, but you can’t see what we’re doing. Trust me. We won’t get caught. I used to bring girls up here all the time.” He answered honestly.
“Oh, don’t I feel special.” I huffed sarcastically, but with a small smile.
To most this would seem offensive, but that was just how the relationship between he and I worked. We were completely open and honest with one another about everything, even his vast sexual history. None of it mattered to me because it was the past. I enjoyed listening to him recant various stories about the harem of girls he had dated and been with. He remembered them, every single one, every name, every face, every story. I found it captivating, and after most stories felt like I knew them myself. At least that small part of their lives they shared with him.
“Well you should. It’s been years. Like since high school… you’re the only girl I’ve brought here in a really long time.” He said leaning in, brushing my hair out of my face and away from my neck before giving me a deep kiss on the small space where my earlobe met my neck.
“I feel so privileged.” I answered leaning into his kiss, until his hand left my waist and found it’s way under my shirt.
“Yes. You are very privileged, and very, very naughty.” He replied, slipping his other hand under my shirt while he kissed me again and pressed himself into me. “Do you want me to fuck you?”
“Well… that is why we’re here.” I answered, reaching once again for his belt buckle.
“Yes… yes that is why we’re here.” He replied with an exasperated laugh.
“What? I want you to fuck me. That’s why we’re here.” I said again, as a matter of fact struggling to get his belt lose.
“You’re so clueless. It’s adorable. I love you. Here. I’ll get it.” He said loosening his belt, pulling me in close for another kiss before we began.
It was intense, and satisfying although over much more quickly than I would have liked. If it had been up to me we would have spent the rest of our night there on that picnic table, but circumstances both physically and logistically dictated that it be quick. As we finished he stepped away from the table to adjust his belt, and I chose to lay there on the table. It seemed like an eternity that I lay there just staring deeply into the night sky. So primal, so connected with the universe, so completely and gloriously fucked in every vulgar sense of the word. As I lay there reflecting, the soft glow of headlights on top of the hill ruined the moment.
“Kelli! Kellii, hurry! Someone called the cops!” He called franticly from a few feet to the left of the table.
I jumped up, pulling down my shirt as quickly as I could, not bothering latch my bra, or even put it back into place.
“Where are you? I can’t see!” I whispered, afraid to move in the blackness, but also afraid to stand still.
“Right here. Here!” He answered. “Over by the tree.”
“Which tree?” I asked heading in the general direction of the tree line.
“Right here.” He said, reaching out of the darkness grabbing my hand, and leading me quickly down another path. “If we hurry we can cut around and hopefully get to the car before they notice us.”
“Shit!” I yelled stepping on something sharp on the path, and stopping in my tracks. I had been in such a hurry to avoid getting caught I had left my shoes behind.
“What?” He asked stopping beside me.
“My shoes! I left them on the table. I stepped on something.” I answered.
“I’ll buy you new shoes. Can you walk?” He asked bouncing around trying to goad me further down the path.
“Yeah. I think so.” I answered hobbling along after him.
We came up on the far side of the parking lot, an empty running police cruiser sitting next to his car.
“Quick! It won’t take them long to figure out where we went.” He said as he darted across the parking lot myself hobbling quickly behind. We both jumped haphazardly into the car as he sped out of the parking lot.
“Fuck. That was close!” He said, checking his mirrors every few seconds just to make sure we hadn’t been followed.
“Tell me about it.” I answered, leaning forward in my seat to latch my bra and straighten my rumpled shirt. “I can’t believe I forgot my shoes! They were my favorite pair.”
We drove around for a good fifteen minutes just to make completely sure that we weren’t being followed, and then headed back towards his place. Most of the ride had been silent while we were listening to the radio until completely out of the blue he spoke:“Did you really mean it when you said you wanted to get married?” He asked cautiously as if expecting me to laugh or say no.
“Yes. Of course I want to get married. I love you.” I answered, turning around in my seat focusing my attention from the passing scenery to him.
“So let’s do it. Let’s get married.” He said perking up in his seat.
“Wait… what? Are you serious? Today?” I stammered, still not entirely sure if he was being serious.
“Seriously. If you want to get married, lets get married. It doesn’t have to be today. I’m not leaving for three more weeks, but lets do it. Before I leave.” He answered.
“Well…. okay. I’ll marry you.” I answered happy tears overflowing from my eyes, my voice cracking filling with emotion.
“Yeah! I’m going to call my dad in the morning. We’re getting married.” He yelled, slapping the steering wheel in excitement, a goofy smile spreading across his face.
“I need a dress. I don’t have a dress! Or invitations, or anything really.” I said matching his excitement, still trying to process the crazy roller coaster of emotions welling up inside of me.
“We can just get married on base. Just us and my dad. Then when I get back we can worry about all the ceremony stuff.”
“Okay. I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as we’re married.” I stammered, wiping away the tears still leaking from my eyes.
“Right. That’s all that really matters, and I don’t want a big wedding anyway. I always kind of envisioned it as like a cookout by the pool in my parent’s back yard. My dad can grill stuff and we can have your family and a few friends. Just hang out and have a good time.” He said still beaming ear to ear.
“Okay, that sounds great actually.” I laughed, finally allowing myself to settle on the emotion of happiness.
Those three weeks we were engaged were the absolute best three weeks of the entire relationship, but as that particular boy had a tendency to do after the emotional high wore off, reality caught up with him and his fear that I would leave or be unfaithful while he was away overcame his desire for our marriage. There were a few legitimate legal reasons as well, but the deciding factor had been his fear. (He’d never admit to it, but I could see it on his face) He called it off a few days before he was scheduled to leave, and actually suggested ending the relationship all together. I should have just cut my losses and walked away from him then, but I loved him and I wanted it to work.
It didn’t. Our break up was ugly. Everything about our relationship was too intense for anything less to be friendly, and we know each other too well. That’s something for another day, or maybe not blog worthy at all.