Explody Brains

The thing that I struggle with the most in regards to my BPD even now in remission is the overwhelming explody sensation that comes on the heels of too much emotional stimulation. It hasn’t even really been negative emotions, just everything all at once. I’m cycling in a bad way right now, happy, bawling, happy, angry, happy, sad, happy. lol. I’ve covered the entire spectrum of human emotions today and I’ve only been awake for two hours. At least I’m finally resting mostly on happy high emotions instead of where I’d been resting on the depression low emotions. This is a good thing, and I’m able to recognize it which is extremely helpful. I just can’t seem to regulate right now, and my physical brain feels like it literally wants to explode.

I’ve been trying to pinpoint exactly what set me off because while there have been a bunch of little things, nothing specifically triggering happened aside from that stupid 50 Shades book release. Even that didn’t really feel like a trigger so much since I didn’t have any flashbacks, nightmares or intrusive thoughts associated with it, but that is the only event that I can think of in recent weeks that truly threw me for an (albeit brief) emotional loop. Maybe that’s it. A delayed reaction to the whole event since it happened on the eve of my parents visiting and Father’s Day. I really haven’t had a chance to really emotionally work through it.

I mean, I was angry that the book was getting so much publicity again, and that it topped the best sellers list so quickly. I acknowledged that emotion pretty obviously, but there seems to be other emotions lingering under the surface somewhere that I haven’t been able to acknowledge yet… I just can’t think for the life of me what they are.  And this, my friends, is why I love my therapist… once I finish school I should be able to do everything on my own, but right now with out a complete education and experience I still need her guidance. I guess I’ll have to see if she has any appointments available before the upcoming 4th of July holiday. I haven’t been to see her regularly since March, which is a damn good stretch for me honestly lol. I was hoping I’d be able to make it to six months since my current record was three, but life apparently had other plans.

Still… even breaking my cycle for a mere month longer than usual is a HUGE step, especially when up until last year I had been engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors for 26 years lol. Reaching this little milestone, no matter how small, is a great thing. Hopefully it will just take me one session to get back on kilter. If that’s the case, it will be the longest I’ve gone with out a significant emotional crisis since I started my recovery! In the midst of pregnancy no less. lol. We’ll see…

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