On The Upswing

Wee!! My energy levels are starting to rise back to normal. The dreaded first trimester is on it’s way out the door giving me 12 weeks of mostly normal activities before my babies take over and immobilize me until birth. lol. Yesterday was the first day I felt like my old self in almost four months and I took complete advantage of it. Went to the gym, ran a whole bunch of errands I’d been putting off, finished cleaning up the house, had a special lunch putting with my Little, did all the grocery shopping, and still had time to relax and unwind for the day before crashing. I was going strong from like 8am until midnight. lol. Today I’m a little tired, but not anywhere near as tired as I have been over these past few months. 

I am a bit nervous for my OB appointment next week. I think I’ll always be nervous going in there after everything that’s happened this year, but it is especially nerve wrecking this time after all of my bleeding. I saw both babies on the ultrasound at the ER, but I haven’t seen them since. One of the dangerous things about my hemorrhage is that it can prevent the placenta from attaching to the uterine wall. Since my twins are fraternal they will each have their own placenta. I’m scared that I’ve lost one, or that I will lose one if the placentae aren’t able to correctly attach and develop. I want to know, but at the same time I really don’t. I don’t want to walk into the doctors office expecting to see two growing babies only to find one surviving. 

My doctor isn’t concerned, but my doctor has been practicing for years, has hundreds of patients, and has seen just about everything one can possible see. This is why I trust him. He isn’t an alarmist, and remains calm through out everything. On the other hand, he remains calm about everything. Even the not so good things. If there’s nothing he can do, there’s nothing he can do except bare the bad news. 

Hubs did take the morning off work to come with me to the next appointment, and I know for sure at least ONE baby is still doing well because I’ve started to feel those teeny little flutters here and there. It makes me think that both of them are doing okay because I didn’t start to feel my first Little until about thirteen or fourteen weeks. I’m at eleven weeks and a few days now, but I can definitely feel at least one baby squirming around. So it’s not all bad, even if I did lose one we still have a new Little on the way, I just don’t quite know how to deal with a loss like that. 

I don’t really know why I’m worried about a theoretical loss. lol. I shouldn’t be, but it’s pretty hard not to be when I’ve been so excited and so hopeful for so long. Plus, I want to be mentally prepared for all contingencies. It’s easy to be happy, but it takes effort to be emotionally stable after bad news. I hate that I have to be so aware of how things affect me emotionally to function like a normal human being, but at least I have the tools to handle it now.