How To Offend People

Originally posted over at See, there’s this thing called biology…

Step 1. Get out of bed. You can also offend some people by staying in bed and refusing to interact with the rest of the human race, but this is far more difficult and best left to the professionals.

Step 2. Exist. Your existence is important to those who are waiting for someone to offend them. Some people can take offense over imaginary people, but it’s far easier for them if you actually exist.

Step 3. Open your mouth. You need not even say anything, just the act of opening your mouth should do the trick. This either indicates you are surprised, about to speak, or breathing. Sometimes just the evidence that you breathe can offend people.

Step 4. Smile. People who smile are scary. Women who smile without saying a word are downright terrifying. It will make people wonder what you are up to. They will think you are crazy. Obviously you are just smiling to offend people.

Step 5. Do…anything. The simple act of walking or driving can offend people. Sitting quietly on your porch can create great paranoia in your neighborhood. People will find your presence offensive.

Step 6. Agree with people. This is an odd one, but if you agree with people some can take offense. They will assume you are being patronizing, condescending, or trying to humor them, because deep down they know they are probably full of coconut candy and nobody in their right mind should agree with them.

Step 7. Answer questions honestly. People will ask questions when they are seeking offense. Does this dress look good on me? I call it fishing for offenses.

Step 8. Be quiet. Not participating boisterously can create great offense. People think you are snubbing them. Introverts or assorted other deep thinkers offensively fail to provide adequate ammo for offense. This is offensive.