Wrapping up our series here for SAAM, and I have a confession. I’ve been parading around here in my proverbial picket line with banners raised denouncing the atrocities experienced by many, and yet I have no feelings of ill will toward my attacker, which I discussed briefly in my post last week. Really the last piece of my recovery puzzle was one of the most important, I’ve forgiven him.
And let me tell you out of everything I’ve been able to convey and share here, this post has been the most difficult to write. Not because I don’t know how I feel, I do, but how do I express that? It’s some weird place that defies most emotionally descriptive words. It’s not hate, it’s not love, it’s not sadness, it’s not pity, it’s not anger, it’s not joy, it’s… I don’t know. It’s like if you took the poles of each hatred/love, sadness/joy etc and dumped them into a blender whatever comes out of that. That’s how I feel. The closest thing I can come up with as far as descriptive emotional word I can think of is peaceful.
The memories are still there filtering around through my head on their eternal loop, but I’ve finally been able to experience the emotions associated with them. Maybe that’s more of the word I’m looking for… maybe it’s peaceful because I’ve finally been able to reach complete acceptance. Not dissociation, because I am aware of what happened, but true acceptance. I’m no longer hiding behind denial or dissolution. I’m no longer making excuses for him, or desperately wracking my brain holding on to little pieces of hope or goodness that came from our time together. I’ve finally accepted what even my attacker himself had been trying to convey to me over the years. Reaching this place of acceptance has been a long arduous journey, but finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? After years of struggling it is an absolutely blissful place to be.
I wish I had some sage wisdom to offer as far as getting to this point in your journey fellow survivors, but I really don’t. Everyone’s journey is filled with a million different intricacies each as unique to the individual and situation as there are stars in the universe. What worked for me, may not work for the next person. The important thing is that we are all in this together.
In closing, I’d like to leave a note on the off chance that some day he stumbles across this:
To My Attacker:
I’m here. I made it out the other side, and I remember all those things that I had forgotten. Even so, I forgive you. My forgiveness is the same even if you don’t understand what it means. Whether or not you feel genuine remorse for what happened between us. Whether you ever truly cared, or simply took advantage. Whatever the reason our paths crossed, I don’t regret it. I’ve always known what you are. I didn’t always understand it, but I’ve always seen it. I really did love you, but I didn’t love myself. You’re right. I deserve better. Even still, I don’t hate you. I’m not out to get you, or ruin your life. Hopefully someday, you’ll accept that.
And because we’ve always communicated better though song than paper or discussion… This: