There are days I struggle a lot. Especially in those moments right after a triggering event when I’m desperately trying to keep it all together. Some days all I can spit out is a meme or tiny little confusing string of words. I hate days like that. I hate them with a fiery passion for two very important reasons.
Reason number 1: I can’t think straight, and my most basic raw thoughts are scary to a lot of people who don’t understand the way PTSD and BPD function. When I’m low I’m WAY DOWN LOW, and when I’m high I am MEGA SUPER CLOUD RACING HIGH. Most of the time since I started my recovery I can find myself in a happy medium which by most everyone is considered “normal”. I don’t like scaring people, especially those who care about me. When I’m trapped in the roller coaster of emotions up and down I don’t really pay attention to how desperate and intense I get. Writing out exactly what I feel in the moment. Then I feel stupid guilty because I never had intended to scare people. I know I don’t REALLY have to justify my feelings and emotions to anyone aside from myself, but as some one who struggles with identity issues I always want to.
Reason number 2: My mood swings happen so frequently and so many people who express concern repeatedly get told that I’m okay, or that nothing is wrong when something actually IS WRONG, most people brush it off just allowing me to do my thing. It’s not WRONG of them to do this, and I know none of my friends intentionally ignore me in times of crisis, but I mean I really can’t blame them. Then you have the few in the camp of believing my outbursts are only an attention seeking ploy, believing that if it’s ignored for long enough it will go away. Which, honestly never ever crosses my mind. I know it’s a hallmark of BPD, but as someone who experiences the swings, getting someone’s attention is the last thing on my mind. I just want OUT of whatever emotion I find myself stuck in.
So when you combine all of those things together there are days when I just completely isolate myself and shut everything off. Yesterday was one of those days. My head was a complete cluster eff mess, and nothing was making sense to me. All I could spit out was a cryptic meme. It meant mountains to me at the time caught in the heat of the moment, but looking back on it today with a fresh perspective I’m like: Huh? What happened? Why did I feel the need to post this? lol.
ANYWAY… Putting that aside, now that my head is back on straight, Wednesday during my appointment with my school advisor something about sitting on campus triggered me. Most of the classes I take are online so my visits to campus have been fleeting and far between. Usually if I can’t do it online or over the phone I opt out of doing it. I’m glad I actually had to trek down to the campus. It’s something I need to figure out and get used to, especially since I’d like to transfer to traditional classes as soon as I can get daycare/school squared away with my Little. I still have no idea what it actually was that triggered me, or why. I was fine driving down there, I was fine walking to the building, I found where I needed to go and, then sat down in the cafe waiting my turn. Sitting there texting Hubs to inform him I made it safely, all of the sudden it hit me. Wave after wave after wave of intrusive thoughts and memories. The REALLY annoying part is that PTSD doesn’t distinguish between good and bad over whelming memories. The memories I had were overwhelmingly GOOD, but their emotional overload to my circuits caused me to panic, the panic caused me to become angry, and then after I was done being angry I bawled my eyes out in the car before heading home.
*sigh* This wasn’t even my first trip to the campus. I’ve been there several times before during admissions and such, but something about yesterday was different. AND it’s not hormonal because I’m no where near the beginning of my normal cycle. Maybe I just tried to take on a little bit too much here recently? I can’t decide which is better… being bored and having too much time to think. or being overwhelmed and not having any time to think. *tosses up hands, walks away*