And now the nightmares… I’ve been expecting them. I mean I’m healing, but it would be foolish of me to think that all of this emotional weight I’ve been flirting with recently wasn’t going to affect me before it was all said and done. I’ve been dealing with them for about a week now. Just sort of rolling with the punches, but this one last night was brutal. Disturbing enough in fact, to rouse me from sleep. They aren’t flashbacks, there are no actual memories associated with them, but pure subconscious fiction. At least I hope they’re fiction and not a premonition of things to come. Even still, hearing the words: “I’m going to crucify you, hang you up in public for everyone to see. The last word will be the final nail through your flesh.” spat at me in anger really shook me to the core today.
All I want to do is curl up under my fuzzy blanket on the couch and eat a gallon of chocolate ice-cream. You know my emotions have gotten the best of me when I’m craving dairy. lol. Dairy does horrible things to my insides, and yet because the dairy exclusion is fairly recent in my diet the flavors are still very soothing for me. It’s a horribly unhealthy comfort food. I just want to EAT ALL THE ICE CREAMS and get lost in my music library. Which is basically the emotional equivalent of hiding in a hole, or hanging out at the Winchester while this all blows over. *sigh*
And yes. I am aware that I’m doing this to myself. It’s no one’s fault aside from my own, but it’s also a very big part of my healing journey. I get so tired of seeing all of these people preaching about recovery, and only showing you their success or happy fluffy positive affirmation crap. Recovery is HARD. Not only emotionally, but physically as well. Even when the end results are positive, being in the midst of it is absolutely AWFUL. You have to fight, daily, sometimes hourly in my case to stay on the right path toward healing. Especially when unhealthy coping mechanisms have become second nature, and are so much easier.
I’ve been fortunate never to have dabbled in substance abuse, but I think in a lot of ways recovery from a tangible substance is a lot easier for people to understand. It’s a lot easier for them to recognize the science behind a physical chemical substance as opposed to thoughts and behaviors. Me sitting here, making every effort to stay away from the way I’ve been surviving life for nearly 28 years and going through literal nightmares because of it, doesn’t make sense to those who care for me. It’s what I need to do. I need to experience these “withdrawal” symptoms, and in order to process them I need to write about it. It’s not always going to be pretty. This is what recovery looks like.
Hide the sun
I will leave your face out of my mind
You should save your eyes
A thousand voices howling in my head
Speak in tongues
I don’t even recognize your face
Mirror on the wall
Tell me all the ways to stay away
And stay away
Dig a hole
Fireworks exploding in my hands
If I could paint the sky
Would all the stars be shining bloody red?
And stay Away
(I’m hearing voices all the time, and they’re not mine)
Away Away Away
(I’m hearing voices and they’re haunting my mind)
Black out days
I don’t recognize you anymore