Accidental A$$hole

SO… I have this habit… being me getting swept up in the moment and easily  overwhelmed in terms of emotional things, if you hit me in just the right frame of mind I will go off on a tangent rant of epic proportions. I’ve gotten a lot better at owning up to my curt often misdirected outbursts but still… it happens a lot more than I’d like to admit.

Yesterday was a perfect example on two fronts. I was just in a generally annoyed mood yesterday. Stupid little things that normally don’t bother me were really getting under my skin. I had to wait for longer than ten minutes in the check out at the store which irritated me, Hubs wanted a fountain drink while I was out so I stopped at three drive thru’s looking for a line shorter than ten cars, and that irritated me. Waiting, just irritated me.

Then the whole sister in law thing comes up and I sit down and rant about that, not even really thinking about it just venting my frustration with life in general. Yeah. Totally forgot that yesterday was actually her birthday. The Most Insensitive Oblivious Sister in Law Award goes to: None other than yours truly.

SO there was that, then I got on Facebook and ranted about some discrepancies in my reporting stats for the page completely forgetting that not a few hours earlier had I shared the page which was the cause of the discrepancies. A poor friend of mine who was unaware of the relaunch went through all of my previous posts but had to step away from her computer before she could like the page, and when she returned was greeted with my rant and a half about stat discrepancies.

D’oh! It’s true… Hubs affectionately calls me the most accidental asshole he’s ever met. I never try to be curt, rude or mean, but more often than not I come across that way. It used to embarrass him, but now he just laughs at me. It’s really a wonder I have any friends who still talk to me after listening to my ranting. *shrugs*

I think a lot of it comes from being victimized so much through out my life. It’s not paranoia, but I’m just always ready for the absolute worst scenario to unfold and even the smallest slight can be perceived as an attack, especially when I’m in an emotionally volatile state to begin with. One of the best things I’ve ever seen is a comparison between BPD, PTSD and burn victims. I wish I could find the direct quote, but I can’t. It goes something like this: “Think of those with PTSD as you would a burn victim. Their emotional skin has been compromised through trauma and even the slightest touch causes searing pain.”

 

10 thoughts on “Accidental A$$hole

  1. I am someone who has worked many different jobs that put me on the receiving end of the rants of many accidental assholes. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, try to imagine that they are going through something not related to me. Shift the paradigm. This also puts me in the mind to witness several people in the act of not being kind. I’ve stood in line in Walmart and watched irate people unload on some unsuspecting clerk. Seeing these events keeps me in check. Maybe instead of explaining your behavior as unintentional, make an intention to seek out the best scenario. If you are waiting in line too long, take the opportunity to read, or to listen to something you like. Or perhaps just watch what’s going on around you. I can tell from your writing that you are a good person, just one who is letting emotions win out over your true self.

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  2. It really is tough with the PTSD. Yesterday I snapped at my wife for the most trivial thing just because I was annoyed about the lack of energy that I have the last few days. Whatever she did was so secondary and I immediately apologized, but I’m still feeling crappy for my tone.

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  3. PTSD has a lot to do with it I’m sure, but I think mine has mostly become a bad habit. Or maybe we can blame it on the moon and solar storm…

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