Have you ever had one of those days where emotionally your brain is screaming: “RUN AWAY!! HIDE FROM ALL THE THINGS!!!” but your logical analytical mind is sitting there saying: “Nooooooo…. there is nothing to worry about. You are fine. Get back over here, tend to your adult responsibilities and get yourself out of the house and into the masses.”?
That’s basically where I’m at today, which isn’t too much of a surprise since I was pushed off balance yesterday. Thankfully, I have my monthly appointment with my therapist tomorrow so it shouldn’t last for too much longer, but right now I am in full emotional swing. Last night before I went to bed I was lost in the pit of depression. This morning when I woke up I was more wound up than a spring with anxiety. As I sit here now writing this out I’m kind of going into a self induced meditative state to calm the eff down.
I feel like a Weeble, wobbling from one extreme to the next. It’s even more pronounced because I’ve been in such a stable holding pattern recently. A few little normal mood shifts over the course of the past two months, but nothing significant. The anxiety is what’s getting me the most this go around. My body is on hyper over drive fight mode for some reason, probably the adrenaline dump from my interrupted workout yesterday… at least that’s what I’m assuming. These moods have to be more physiological as opposed to psychological. They simply have to be, because no event aside from having my feathers ruffled yesterday gives credence to these swings. I’m also exceptionally volatile now during my normal monthly hormonal shift. Something isn’t working right in my brain parts and it has nothing to do with my thoughts, memories or emotions.
I just wish my medical staff would take me seriously, which most of the time they don’t. My doctor is pretty good about listening to me, but the nursing staff is pretty much awful. Completely dismissive and rude. The walls in doctors offices are pretty thin. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accused of drug seeking behavior by the nursing staff only to refuse to take a prescription from the doctor. Of course having my mental diagnosis doesn’t really help things. Which is irritating on an entirely different level.
I’m in an effective course of treatment, which means my symptoms are no longer present. Hence, the entire purpose of treatment: controlling symptoms. Those behaviors that seem to be inherent with my disorder? Those are SYMPTOMS, primarily used in the process of diagnosis. Once you’re in/on an effective course of treatment they should dissipate if not completely go away. I don’t currently self harm, and I’m not out pestering medical professionals for the attention. I’m in recovery, I want to get better in all aspects of my life. If something is holding me back physically I want to address it. Why is it so difficult for people to accept that?
Recovery is hard, and I do have my moments where I relapse into unhealthy behaviors from time to time, but the difference now is that I can recognize them and stop them before they get out of control. I want to get better. I don’t want to endure this dance of panic and depression every twenty eight days. Or at least if I have to experience it (thanks a lot biology) I want to be sure it’s not my mental disco raging out of control. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable expectation, but maybe I’m wrong?