I don’t know what it is about the past few days, but all I want is chocolate cake. Like there is an insatiable desire to EAT ALL THE CHOCOLATE. The desire is so intense in fact I actually dreamt about it last night. lol. I was busy cleaning out the attic at my parents house, but for some reason I had a box of chocolate snack cakes with me. Everywhere I went I had this box of snack cakes. Somehow cleaning out the attic turned into a family trip to Disney Land, and while I was busy chasing the Little around, I still had this box of snack cakes with me. I actually ran out of snack cakes and flipped the ef out until I could find some more. It was one of the weirdest dreams I can remember having in a very long time. lol.
I’ve been craving snack cakes all day because of it, but thankfully I’ve been able to resist! I did eat a chunk of organic dark chocolate, but I have stayed away from the cakes. I also about had a BPD meltdown in my driveway this morning as I was trying to get into my car. I’m in the Midwest US and we got a bunch of rain/snow/ice last night. I knew my car was going to be frozen over so I wasn’t too surprised when I walked out of the house this morning. I started getting frustrated when I couldn’t get my door open even after knocking off 90% of the ice. I pulled, I tugged, I kicked, I scraped, and just as I was about to start raging I tried one last thing… I hit the unlock button on my key fob one more time. Lo and behold, the door came right open after that. lol. I thought I had unlocked the doors as I was walking out of the house, but apparently I did not. OOPS!
So those are the most exciting things that happened in my day today. Not exactly a tragedy by any means, but it did put me in an off kilter mood. Plus pursuing around Pinterest and Tumblr in my spare time, I have discovered that the masses are inherently depressed. Those who are not, offer up trite cliches of encouragement, but rarely do you find anyone who is genuinely happy or doing okay. Granted, most people use the blogging medium to express their emotions and if you aren’t immersed in deep sadness, you’re enamored with love. There really isn’t much of a balance. I don’t really know how to explain it.
Nothing has changed in my life, but the world just feels off today. Even my Little can feel it. She has been extra clingy, and testing my patience much more than she usually does. I can always tell when she doesn’t feel quite right. It makes me worry that she has inherited my faulty genes… but she’s also two and just starting to figure all of this out. She’s just getting to the age where I really have to tell her no and teach her the proper way to behave in certain situations. I try to give her the freedom to make her own choices, and I always have, but now that she’s getting older and I’m implementing more rules she is getting flustered and upset. Her understanding is so close, but she is still young.
Two nights in a row she has been bawling before bedtime because I’ve sternly reprimanded her inappropriate behavior. A slight change in the volume and pitch of my voice sends her into a freakout. I guess it’s part of life, learning boundaries and such, but it still makes me feel awful. Mostly because it triggers memories of me with my mother going around and around. I know I am far from manipulative and abusive as my mother was, but those moments when my Little gets upset it makes me doubt myself. Ahhh yes. Self doubt… one of the things I continue to struggle with even in my recovery.
BUT this is why therapy is amazing! Sometimes having someone to validate my turbulence is all I need to settle back down. Guess I should make an appointment next week… it has been almost six weeks since my last one.