Basically a continuation of my post yesterday…
I felt like I should expound on my flashbacks a little bit, since they’re not typical flashbacks. I don’t have any issues dealing with the things that happened to MYSELF. Those memories come up in response to personal trauma. My own mistakes and choices, or events that happen to ME bring up memories of the horrible events in my life. Those I can compartmentalize and control with no problem. The things that are currently plaguing me aren’t events that happened directly to ME, and I think that might be the key to dealing with them in a healthy manor. They aren’t something that I can use my trauma coping techniques to deal with, I just have to figure out exactly what keeps bringing them up so I can figure out how to deal with them.
That looks jumbled… it sounded a lot better in my head, but getting it out on paper is proving to be more difficult than I anticipated. It would be easier if I could just share the actual memories, but I can’t. Every time I try to write them down or recall them I get a massive migraine and my emotions go completely wonky. They’re pretty firmly repressed, and I assume there is a reason they are so firmly repressed. At least the complete memory is repressed. I just get to see these annoying little snippets that don’t make much sense. There’s just enough to trigger an emotional response, but not enough to completely analyze it. Which, being me, Analyst Extraordinaire really bothers me. I can’t even figure out how to convey my feelings and thoughts to my therapist. It’s like they’re there, the pictures and memories but I can’t get them OUT.
It could be that the only reason they bother me is the fact that they hit me right upon waking before I really have a chance to get a hold of my mind and completely put my coping processes in place. Yeah, it really is a daily thing. Directly my thoughts away from the past and into the present. It’s something I consciously have to chose to do. EVERY SINGLE DAY. So that could be it… but even that doesn’t explain why they keep randomly popping up. I must be hitting a trigger somewhere. It HAS to be. The only other explanation would be the Heart String Theory. I’m subconsciously picking up energetic vibrations/thoughts sent in my direction. I’m a fan of quantum physics and String Theory, so something out of the box like that makes sense to me, but there isn’t any real solid scientific evidence that String Theory is valid. Relativity is still the scientific reigning king, and if we’re going on that it’s something that my own mind is doing not some sort of psychic energy.
I can’t really think of another reason images of other people in pain and tears just pop into my head aside from a psychic projection phenomenon, and I do have a killer intuition. Generally after these images pop up in my head my blog stats will spike, or I’ll run into the person in my dreams generally within two weeks. Now that’s either a stupid insane coincidence, Devine intervention, or just dumb luck. I can’t tell the difference anymore. I used to read deeply into it, but then I got caught up in it and started making quantum leaps instead of innocent connections which wasn’t a healthy mind set to be in with my other issues. I’ve gotten better about letting the coincidences slide and just accepting them for what they are, but THEY KEEP HAPPENING. At a certain point one has to wonder when things become more than coincidence, right?