I have been enduring a killer migraine for the better part of a week. The brain fog has finally started to lift today, which is a good thing since I had another appointment with my therapist today. Which, let me tell you is a little odd now that I’ve started school, but that’s another matter entirely. ANYWAY…
My original suspicions are correct. The reason all of these memories, flashbacks, and feelings are coming up now so many years later is because I’ve finally reached a healthy level of detachment from the situation. That’s not to say I haven’t been detached, but that my methods employed were unhealthy and more of a bandaid over a wound instead of the sutures needed to close it and allow for proper healing. What happens when you tear the bandaid off of a neglected wound? It seeps, and hurts all over again. Basically exactly what I’m going through except instead of a physical neglected wound, mine is an emotional one.
Which actually brings up the next interesting point I’m exploring about myself. One of the hallmarks of BPD is that Borderline individuals lean heavily toward self harm and suicidal tendencies. Outwardly, aside from the one time before starting my journey to recovery with suicidal thoughts, I don’t practice any self harm. OUTWARDLY. No, my self harm comes in the form of mental anguish. When the self loathing phase hits I get mentally suck on things that I’ve done wrong in the past. I use my guilt, my shame, my humanity against myself. Which, being the primary mode of abuse I endured in childhood makes sense. I wasn’t physically abused, I was put through a mental circus of hoops to keep me off guard and controlled. That is my preferred method of self harm, which can conveniently be labeled as self sabotage, and is also the reason I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. All the knowledge in the world can’t help me fix my own broken mind.
Being aware of it now it is a bit easier to catch myself before I get stuck in those unhealthy patterns, but only slightly. I still need my true North to gauge my emotional compass by, and sometimes no matter how much I want to stay on course I lose sight of it. Through the clouds of stress, emotional overwhelm or physical trauma it fades, but as long as I manage to find it again everything will be okay.