Putting on the Brakes

Part of my Mental Circus is getting stuck in thought patterns. Behaviors are pretty easy to modify because they are there, in your face, they reflect how the rest of the world sees you. If I were standing on the side of the road whipping myself with chains, someone would stop me. As I’m sitting here struggling through a traumatic event purging all of my thoughts in writing, whipping myself with mental chains, everyone ignores it trying to be supportive. Which to a certain extent is helpful and healthy. I do need to purge when certain thoughts come back around, because when I don’t immediately get rid of them it’s a slippery slope downward from there.

I need some one to yell at me and tell me to stop being insane. Something about a figurative slap in the face resets my thought patterns. Thankfully a few of my closest friends are beginning to realize that. I feel much better today after a good heart to heart conversation last night. Honesty is the biggest key.

A lot of my early childhood trauma revolved around lies and dishonesty to “protect” me which actually ended up crippling me when I found myself tossed into the real world. I know now it was all a form of abuse and control at the hands of my narcissist parent. Lies are one of my biggest triggers. It’s not really a traumatic trigger so much as an identity trigger. Even innocent white lies to protect my feelings or make me feel better about myself send me flying off into an anxious identity bending frenzy.

I mean if we’re being honest here, a simple little half truth is what almost sent me rushing toward divorcing my husband, selling the house and completely starting over. I don’t even remember what it was now. Something trivial and pointless. I asked him a question and he didn’t give me a direct answer. I don’t even think he lied so much as just avoided the truth… Oh!! Now I remember. I asked him if he wanted to go up to the lake over Labor Day, he said yes but didn’t really want to go so he was pissy the entire trip.

Yep, almost threw away my marriage over something as simple as that, all because it triggered deep rooted identity issues. I wish people could understand that I need the truth to stay grounded. Like I don’t just want the truth, I NEED the truth.

I heard this song on the radio yesterday and it really resonated with me so I’m going to share it. Especially the verse about friends, lies, fighting demons… Well really the entire song relates to my Mental Circus struggles. Lol. Just take a listen.

Afraid – The Neighbourhood