Okay…. So this is what I’m supposed to be working on, and why my therapist thinks I have such a difficult time with vivid flashbacks. Here’s the thing. The fact that this post is seeing the light of day means I’ve already gone through every point in that list.
If I wasn’t able to reach a healthy level of detachment I most certainly wouldn’t be blogging, ESPECIALLY about my past and mental health issues. So…. I’m confused. I don’t understand. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and yet the flashbacks still plague me. I will say it seems to be mostly stress related at this point. At least from everything I can glean in my research and assignments. It’s always kind of lingering at the back of my mind, but it doesn’t become intrusive or life altering unless I’m mega stressed out about something else.
Anything else, not even a typical triggering event. High levels of stress send me right back into trauma survival mode which brings up everything negative about the past including my feelings surrounding events and people. I’ve been able to establish that when I have an episode my feelings aren’t CURRENT feelings, but more of an emotional reoccurrence event. I automatically go places mentally that I wouldn’t under normal circumstances. Like a trauma survival autopilot if you will.
It’s not obsession, it’s not addiction, and it’s not an issue of detachment. It is purely rooted in high stress and trauma. Which is good….ish. It’s great to know I haven’t leveled up in my crazy anywhere, but discouraging because the nature of how one reacts to trauma is controllable but not treatable. Which means I can control how I react to my feelings and flashbacks but I can’t actually stop them. *throws arms up*
Grrrrrrrrr…. This disorder is so insanely frustrating!!! Just when you think you’ve got everything under control it smacks you upside the head with something else to work on.