Back to Square 1

So I drug myself to therapy today. I really didn’t want to go, but I needed to. The miscarriage was just too much to handle on my own. It was a positive session, and a discouraging session. Positive in the fact that I was able to make the connection between my miscarriage and all of my other intrusive thoughts, and discouraging because the intrusive thoughts hit me so hard even after beating them into submission and doing so well for so long toward the end of last year. 

Which is part of the disorder. It’s not anything unusual, but it’s the part of the disorder I loath and despise to the very core of my being. I am at least partially encouraged that it was my PTSD and not BPD because PTSD is much easier to control and manage. Ha! I can’t even type that with a straight face. It IS easier, but even using the term easy makes me laugh. There is nothing easy about recovery from trauma.

Right now I’m back to weekly appointments, and we’re going in a different direction with coping mechanisms. There is still too much pain associated with understanding and acceptance so we’re going back to the classics of early psychology and trying repression and detachment. Basically the complete opposite of what I’ve been working on over the past year and a half. lol. I did a lot of it to myself, focusing a lot of time and energy onto fixing my own issues and running into the issues of others. Curiosity killed the cat, basically. I started researching and studying, and even devoted my higher education to understanding how the human mind works, but now that I’m learning what makes people tick I can see why and where they’re coming from. Not exactly the best thing for someone who struggles with too much empathy as it is. 

I kind of shot myself in the foot so to speak there… which is kind of giving me second thoughts about continuing with this line of study. The topic interests me and I’m good at it. It’s practically second nature being an Empath. I can pick up on subtitles of human behavior that a lot of other people miss. BUT if I can’t figure out how to separate myself from the plights of others pursuing a career in psychology or therapy is not a good idea. I’d end up harming myself more than I would help others… which actually fits with BPD…. see?? See what I’m going here? lol. Knowledge is power, but intelligence is crippling.