A Close Shave

Let’s talk about flashbacks for a hot second. Well that probably wasn’t the best choice of words but anyway… I had one over the weekend that was more embarrassing than detrimental to my post miscarriage recovery. Like I’ve said in previous posts, for some reason losing this pregnancy triggered all sorts of memories and intrusive thoughts hardly if barely at all connected to my previous miscarriages.

It had been a particularly exhausting day and when I fell asleep it was fitful at best. I started recalling all sorts of memories in my half lucid state and a few of them translated into dreams, where I was remembering a specific event but in an entirely different context. One of these dreams had me in a heated argument with a former coworker of mine. We were working together at a completely new and different restaurant and we had run out of eggs during the middle of a particularly busy rush. We had been bickering back and forth the entire duration of the dream so when he put on his coat and headed for the door to get more eggs I snapped: “Where are you going?” To which he replied offended, with a sarcastic annoyed tone: “to get the eggs.” I stamped my foot, put my hand on my hip and said: “Fine. Whatever. Love you. Bye.”

The dream continued until my Little woke up and started asking for me. Hubs had gone into work early for a few hours so when he returned home he informed me that not only had I been arguing in my dream, I had been audibly arguing with HIM as he was getting ready to leave before his shift.

Not going to lie, there was a moment of panic, especially since he heard me say “whatever, love you, bye.” Granted, nothing inappropriate or sexual was happening in my dream world but it was still a little weird to admit to my husband that when I said “love you bye” I wasn’t referring to him, but another man. Even if that other man was just an annoying coworker shadow of memory. To say I was embarrassed would be a gross understatement. Lol.

I can’t even recall the last time I did anything half lucid… Well I mean obviously, but I can’t recall the last time anyone told me about what I said or did in the haze between wakefulness and sleep. I am thankful that what I actually said was at least neutral and I didn’t go yelling any names or specifics. We talked about it in more detail later, but at that moment when he first brought it up? Dear Lord, nope!

Flashbacks aren’t actually something I experience very often. The circumstances have to be exact before I slip over into altered consciousness. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen because it does but they are far from random and fairly controlled. I thank the stars none of them have been violent. I’ve been angry, I’ve been scared, but I’ve never been violent toward Hubs or anyone else. Usually aside from this apparent yelling episode I just end up bawling for no apparent reason to those around me. I’ll be fine, kind of zone out for a second then start bawling. That’s so far been the worst of it. I really hope it stays that way.