Across the Room

I don’t know what to think. I was so excited about going back to school, but then I was so excited about having another kid, and now I’m not having a kid nor going back to school and I don’t even know how to start moving forward.

Hubs was supportive of me going back to school, but he was truly EXCITED about having another kid. It would be one thing to try again if it hadn’t taken us eighteen months to conceive, and I wasn’t exhausted dealing with the roller coaster emotions of pregnancy loss. I’m just done. I wanted this Little so badly when I saw that plus sign, but walking into the office and seeing the empty blackness on the ultrasound screen was too much. I already had a panic attack yesterday on the way to the office. I don’t want to endure that again. I’ve been completely turned off by the idea of sex all together right now just because I might get pregnant again and it might not survive.

One miscarriage was painful, two was disappointing, three was traumatic, four was devastating, and this one was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just want to kick my uterus across the room and say to hell with it all. That’s what I WANT to do… more than likely what I’ll actually do is go back to the doctor start investigating why I keep losing pregnancies so we can try again. My GP said it was most likely a blood protein thing since my only surviving Little has my exact blood type, but my OB wants to investigate further. My OB is a better doctor than my GP so I’m like okay great! Investigate away!

If we did gain one positive thing from this ill fated accidental surprise fail, it’s that Hubs realized how much he wanted to stay together, and how much he really wanted to expand our family. At least that’s what I’m guessing, since Hubs in an emotional robot no one actually knows for sure, but his behavior suggests it. Although, with my track record for analyzing behavior he could be waiting for the holidays to be over so he can go get the divorce papers being extra nice out of guilt. Anything is possible at this point. 

The only immediate down side to trying for another kid is that I’ll have to wait for my body to catch up and complete the miscarriage on it’s own. A D&C runs too much risk of scaring, and with all of my fertility issues that is most definitely not something I want to do. If we were going to be done with kids, I was going to schedule the surgery to have my tubes tied at the same time as the D&C. Actually, if it were purely up to me I just want the whole lot of my reproductive system taken out so I NEVER have to worry about a miscarriage again, but they tend to stay away from complete hysterectomies these days unless absolutely necessary. 

What does all of that gibberish there mean? It means I could have to wait up until the 16 wk mark of my failed pregnancy before my hormones drop sufficiently to shed. Eight more weeks of a continually (although slowly) growing placenta, a bigger yet baby-less bump, and more weight gain and morning sickness FOR NO GOOD REASON. I think that actually upsets me more than anything. It’s not like my other miscarriages where I found out because I was hemorrhaging, I know the pregnancy is over but have to wait for my body to do it’s thing! Kelli and patience don’t go well together under normal circumstances…. this is quite literally one of my worst nightmares.