Just Kidding

So, I went to my appointment today thinking: hey I’m eight weeks, I’ll get to see my baby and hear the heartbeat and then the next four weeks will be a breeze. HA! Not so much. They found the gestational sac in my uterus which was good, they didn’t find any evidence of an ectopic pregnancy also a good thing, but there was a lot of other stuff they didn’t find. You know, like a baby. SO, I go back for more testing Wednesday, but right now it appears my body has fooled us yet again. 

I’m not sure how I feel about it. I mean it’s one thing to be late, have the test come back inconclusive and start bleeding a few weeks later before we can get to the doctor. That? I can handle that because it’s happened to me five times before. That is what I anticipate, fear, and dread each month while trying to conceive. This? Having tests show up overwhelmingly positive on the first two tries? Telling the entire family in a cute endearing memorable way? Scheduling the doctors appointment, talking about all of my prenatal plans, having everyone in the office excited to see me again and excited for me? Laying there on the table watching the doctor’s face fall as he fails to find a heart beat, shadow or anything aside from the sac on the ultrasound? That… is an entirely new ball game of emotions.

What’s worse is that I haven’t even had any cramps, or spotting or ANYTHING to give me any reason to doubt the health of my pregnancy. Not one sign. I’m gaining weight, my morning sickness has been worse this go around than it was with Nora, I even have a teeny bump. Yet, right now all evidence points to an incomplete miscarriage, or blighted ovum. Here I am sailing along, dropping out of school, making plans for another Little, not a care in the world until today when I figuratively get kicked in the chest.

Do you know what’s worse? I get to find out definitively whether I’m still pregnant on NEW YEARS EVE. Which could be the best news I’ve ever gotten, or the worst news on NEW YEARS EVE, then if I’ve lost the baby I get to start my New Year off with a D&C.  Let’s break out the champagne shall we?