The Horror!

I had forgotten how deeply and completely angry pregnancy makes me. Like not the whole situation itself, but the hormones! Oh, the hormones are AWFUL this go around. Although I think a lot of it has to do with this being the first pregnancy I’ve had after reaching stability with my other mental circus issues. I don’t know how I survived before therapy. lol. I mean I seriously do not know.

I have been in a random pissy mood for two days now. Nothing really spawned it, I am just mad at everything and everyone for no real reason. I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied by spending extra time with my Little, extra time at the gym, and doing some extra chores but nothing seems to be working. Focusing on school is getting harder and harder as time goes by, and I really think the best thing to do at least until after the baby is born is to drop my classes. I never wanted to throw a kid straight out of the womb into daycare so I’d be taking time off when the baby was born anyway. I’m not too worried about it, I’m sure we can work something out, I just really wish we would have been more prepared for this Little.

I’m thankful that we have the opportunity for another kiddo, especially with my fertility issues, but MAN was this horrible timing. There are people out there that say there’s never a “right time” to have kids, you just sort of have to go for it and hope for the best, which I agree with to a certain extent. Both of my Little’s now have basically been the luck of the draw. With our first we had only briefly entertained the idea of starting a family. My husband and I conceived on our very first attempt after I had suffered several miscarriages in a previous relationship. I wasn’t even sure I could carry a pregnancy to full term so we were merely hopeful at best, and wound up with our first. As I mentioned in a previous post, this time our marriage has been under intense strain lately. We separated for a while back in September, and never really got a chance to resolve our issues before being thrown back together when our Little suffered a seizure. She and I had been staying with my parents out of state when she took a tumble off of my bed. It wasn’t anything of immediate concern, but shortly after she began acting oddly and had completely lost her appetite. After a few days of worrying about her my husband and I decided it was best that I come home so we could be close to her pediatrician.

Thank God we came home when we did as she suffered a seizure the next night. She woke up from her nap, sat in my lap and started seizing. I rushed her to the ER and they did all sorts of tests which came back normal aside from some slightly elevated liver enzymes from her tumble off the bed. There still wasn’t any medically definable reason for her seizure so they said to keep an eye on her, but it probably wouldn’t happen again. After dealing with all of that mess it was just one thing after another until the holidays. At some point during my stay with my parents my car was vandalized so we had to deal with the repairs, my husband has been working 60-80hrs a week, coming home and going straight to sleep, I did some investigating and confronted the vandals who damaged my car which lead to a giant dramatic explosion, threats, lawyers, and more money and time wasted. After all of that I came down with the horrible flu like virus that has been going around and was sick for nearly a month, and then we found out I was pregnant. It was amazing I managed to find time to do anything except sit in the corner and cry these past three months. lol.

Besides all of that these past few days are really the first time my husband and I have spent any significant amount of time together since I moved back at the beginning of October bringing all of our unresolved still lingering marital issues to the surface.  And in all completely honesty I’m not sure if I want to attempt to address our issues while I’m hormonal and irrational. The second kid is on the way whether we stay together or not. I’d rather have as much of a stress free pregnancy as possible. No pregnancy is ever completely stress free, but I don’t think I want to deal with anything aside from THE PREGNANCY at the moment. Well and preparing my oldest for her new sibling. Those are the only things I want to worry about right now.

Things between Hubs and myself aren’t HORRIBLE, we’re just both frustrated with each other and certain behaviors. Things we should have dealt with before we got married in the first place, but that’s another blog post entirely. lol. There is still a lot of love left in the House of Hale, it’s just getting run through the ringer as we’re all being stretched quite thin.

One thought on “The Horror!

  1. Well, I’m sure you can guess what I’m going to say… I think God has his timing down for a reason. Given the nature of that past relationship, can you be surprised that you were not blessed with a child? I think God has a plan for you and “hubs” which involves staying together, working things out, and raising two very special children. As for frustration, welcome to the club! As long as two people are involved (maybe even just one), there’ll be frustration. But when you boil out the garbage, there’s a reason for you to be together. Take it from someone who didn’t let the boiling get finished….

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