Bad Days

You know when you go to therapy and you hear something, that while beneficial for your recovery, is the last thing you really want to hear? Yep… today was one of those days.

 

Finally got around to discussing my recent visit to Montana and how it affected me. I started bawling about how I missed the depth and connection I had with Jericho even though I don’t necessarily miss him as a romantic partner. To which I said: “I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s missing and I feel disconnected and incomplete.” 

 

To which my therapist replies: “Well… honestly looking back through your notes and having you come to my office for a year now, I can see that you’d be really hard pressed to find a better match as far as mental and emotional depth goes. Jericho really did fill that role perfectly, but it obviously came with a price.” 

 

Thanks… thanks a lot Therapist. Go a head and tell me the person I can’t have was my perfect match. It’s not like I didn’t already know that, but it certainly doesn’t help to hear it from you too. *throws arms up in frustration* ARGH. So…. now I have this laundry list of events leading up to a relationship with this guy, my undying feelings for him regardless of the fact that he beat me, raped me, cheated on me, left me, and scientific evidence that we are a damn near perfect psychological/emotional match, but none of that matters because HIS psyche is too damaged and fractured to believe it!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 

 

Love is a lie. Soulmates? LIES. Even if you find your match? Doesn’t matter. Pointless! Worthless! A complete waste of time. Don’t follow your heart. Just be a complete selfish douche canoe, looking out only for yourself and marry for money and status. That’s really how the world works. Anyone else, who tells you anything else is. a. LIAR. There is no justice in this world. None. 

 

I don’t even know what that says about me… that I connected with some one so deeply who was so psychologically unsound and unstable. That’s who I am. I am that unsound and unstable. Which is another comforting thing to hear. Oh well of course you love him, because you’re just as crazy as he is!!! Again… not really a surprise, I figured that out as soon as I started working through my issues last year. It is just SO DAMN FRUSTRATING. The very reason we’re so drawn to each other is the same reason we can’t be together!! 

 

Life is not fair, it’s true, but damn. I hate having it thrown in my face. I need it thrown in my face every once and a while, which is why I’m going back to therapy again next week, but I still hate it. I hate these sessions when my therapist confirms all of my suspicions, all the feelings I’ve been struggling with, all the emotions society tells me are wrong. Over all it’s good and beneficial to have my feelings validated, it is, but in the moment it’s devastating, and depressing. I’m pissed off at nothing more than the truth. I’ve known it was the truth for some time now, but dammit I want to keep a little flicker of hope burning somewhere. A little flicker of hope that someday my current partner will fill that void of my missing soul and that I won’t always cry when I see/hear/encounter something that reminds me of Jericho. 

 

Why is that so wrong? Why can’t I have that ounce of peace?