Blargh… I’m really struggling with going back to work. Part of it is a little selfish, and part of it is the fact that I know even with me working Kevin won’t be happy. He’s not truly unhappy with me, he’s unhappy with himself, but he’s not ready to deal with it so he’s projecting it out on to me. I’ve done everything he’s asked of me, aside from actually completing a job application, and it still isn’t good enough. He always finds something to nitpick at and complain about. I’m not entirely with out fault, I did need to improve myself a lot which I’ve been working on, but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. It comes in waves. Two weeks I’m the best thing since sliced bread, and then the two following weeks I’m the scum on the bottom of his shoes. Now that I’ve noticed his pattern it’s not as devastating when he has his bad weeks because I know it’s only temporary, but it does still weigh pretty heavily on me. That’s merely because of my own issues.
ANYWAY… that’s neither here nor there. lol. What I’m saying is that he wants me to get a job NOW because we have a few extra bills, but once we get those taken care of he will want me home again. He won’t divide the housework if I go back to work so instead of us working together it will be me taking on a crap load of extra responsibility. We’ve been here before. His expectations for our relationship are pretty much next to impossible. At least for me personally. I’m sure there are women out there who can work full time, take care of the kids, house, and husband and feel great about it. I am not one of those women. I can focus my attention on about three things at once. With Nora and the housework that takes up two, I split the rest of my focus between myself, my WOD time, and taking care of Kevin.
Working full time on top of everything else isn’t going to work out. Especially since Kevin wants another kid. I don’t think it’s a good idea. I want to contribute and help him, but I’m feeling really rushed into this decision. I feel like he wants me to do everything while he sits around and relaxes. That’s fine. I can take on some extra responsibility because he does work hard, but at the same time I feel really taken advantage of. He really doesn’t care about what I need, only how I can help him. Yet, it’s not all the time. It too comes in waves. It’s almost like an abusive pattern of behavior, yet… he never out right comes out and does anything truly abusive. He complains, he whines, he’s critical but it’s not ABUSIVE. It’s expressing his opinions which I’ve been trying to get him to do since the day we met. It’s what I wanted. lol. It really isn’t what I expected from him, but it is what I wanted so…
I don’t know. I’m still trying to rebuild my trust with him. Going from him being dishonest to avoid hurting my feelings to the opposite is quite an adjustment to make. Even when he does something nice for me it comes with a seed of doubt. 😦 Meh… I’m done brooding about it. I’m trying to have a good day I don’t need to be dwelling on all of this negative crap! lol.