There are annoying pesky fragments of memories floating around in my head. They have been for a while, but usually it only takes a day or two before I remember whatever it is that I’ve repressed and on we go with life. THESE fragments aren’t leading me anywhere except to the frustrating conclusion that I’m still not ready to deal with the memories… or I haven’t encountered the right combination of events to completely unlock them.

EITHER WAY…. It’s frustrating, and really isn’t helping with the whole anxiety thing. So… I’m going to share these little fragments and hopefully get moving in one direction or the other. Either fully repressing them, or unlocking them at this point I don’t really care. As long as they quit festering under the surface.

July 4th, 2007.

I remember sleeping most of the day away. Waking up around 4pm and deciding that we (John and I) wanted to go watch a fireworks display somewhere, but for some reason we couldn’t find any. Either because they had done them the weekend before or were planning on doing it the weekend after. The 4th was a Wednesday that year. We took our sweet time getting ready, since we didn’t expect to do anything until dark. We eventually left around 6pm to go get something to eat. We didn’t spend the night at my apartment, but for some reason we had to leave Dayton and go down to my apartment in Sharonville… OH! We had to finish cleaning out my apartment in Middletown because I had just moved to Sharonville. We arrived at my apartment in Middletown, and I was frustrated with the entire thing. We showed up it was a mess and the power had been turned off for about a week. We picked up a few things, and I did a check of all the closets to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. We tossed a few remaining things into John’s car and made our way down to my new apartment to drop them off, which we did then John settled in watching something on TV and I did some unpacking and cleaning. Once it got dark we headed back up to Dayton to see if we could find some sort of fireworks display. It was late and we headed to Centerville. We were going to stop by John’s parents’ house for something but when John called his dad they were out for the evening so we didn’t. Instead we ended up driving around for a while until we decided to walk around the pond at Lincoln Park which is where we usually ended up when we couldn’t find anything else do to in the middle of the night and didn’t feel like wandering around Walmart or Meijer’s. I remember being really tired for some reason so we got out of the car, walked about half way around the pond and sat down on a bench. It was unusually quiet. There were only a few scattered people here and there which was unusual. I sat snuggled up under John’s arm for about an hour. We didn’t really talk, we just took it all in, which was really kind of weird. John is rarely quiet for more than a few moments at a time, let alone quiet and still but that night he was.

After about an hour of silence, I got up, straightened my skirt and straddled his lap putting my arms gently around his neck so I could see his face.

“Are you okay?” I asked leaning in and giving him a gentle kiss.

“Yeah. I’m just enjoying hanging out with my woman… and thinking about leaving for basic. I’m kinda worried about my BMI. I’ve lost a lot of weight, but I’m still at like 32%. I’m supposed to be at 28%.” He answered honestly, a sleepy, content look in his eyes. “I’m going to miss you. Six weeks is a long time.”

“It is kind of a long time, but I’ll be busy at work getting the new store open and you’ll be busy training. It will fly by, and then when you get home we can get our own place and finally get away from my mom, get married, and have adorable Helt babies.” I answered with a smile, leaning in for another kiss.

“If you’re here when I get back.” John answered as the smile in his eyes began to fade to something darker.

“What do you mean? Where am I going to go? It’s not like I’m going to run off and join the circus.” I answered with a sarcastic laugh. “I love you. I want to marry you and have your babies. I just said that like two seconds ago.”

“Well yeah. You do now, but we’ve never been apart for more than a few days, and we won’t even get to talk to each other for over a month. You might decide you like it on your own without me being obnoxious and getting on your nerves all the time.” John answered seriously.

“The only thing that gets on my nerves is when you do this. Talking about how we’re  not going to make it, and I’m going to leave you. I love you, and I don’t know why you won’t believe me. I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me. Deal with it.” I huffed, annoyed that we had ended up at that place yet again putting a damper on our up until that point wonderful evening.

“Am I? Am I stuck with you?” John replied with a smirk.

“Yes, goddammit. You are, so get over it.” I answered putting my forehead against his and taking in the way the moonlight reflected in his deep brown eyes. “Do you know what you need? Naughty Time.”

“Here?” He asked perking up a different kind of darkness filling his eyes. The darkness of lust and desire.

“Sure. Why not? There’s no body around.” I answered beginning to slowly rock back and forth on his lap.

“Kelli, those people. Look.” He answered pointing behind me.

I briefly turned around to see a man and woman fishing on the other side of the pond.

“They’re way over there. They won’t notice.” I answered retuning my focus toward John.

“Trust me. They’ll notice.” John answered.

“For all they know, I’m innocently sitting on your lap like I have been for the past twenty minutes. You can’t tell with my skirt.” I argued, reaching for his belt.

“Kelli, quit. I’m leaving in three weeks I can afford to get another ticket or get arrested.” John said smacking my hand away from his belt buckle.

“Whatever. That hasn’t stopped you before.” I said, disappointed and a little hurt by his rejection even though it made sense as I slid off of his lap and returned to my side of the bench.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. We just can’t here. If you really want to, I know a place we can go.” John answered wrapping his arm around me brushing his hand across my chest.

“So let’s go.” I answered.

“Alright. We’ll go.” John answered as we stood and walked hand in hand back to his car.

We drove through neighborhoods and down back roads I’d never seen before until we pulled into a small parking lot just off of the road. I couldn’t find that park again if I tried but I remember there were no lights, tall shadowy pines, and a lake. We hopped out of the car and I followed John down a small hill to a path. It was nearly pitch black, the only light the light of the moon which had been peeking in and out of clouds all day and John’s phone.

“Slow down. I lost a shoe.” I said, tripping over my other flip flop as it slipped from my foot as well.

“Where is it? Did you find it?” John asked, pausing and returning to help me look for my shoe.

“No. I can’t see. Oh! There it is. Got it.” I answered bending down to pick up my shoes.

I carried them the rest of the way which was only a few yards until we came upon a picnic table. John scooped me up off the ground and sat me down on the edge of the picnic table.

“How is this better than the bench? It’s all sorts of in the open. You can see it from the parking lot.” I asked.

“There’s no lights. You can see two people, but you can’t see what we’re doing. Trust me. We won’t get caught. I used to bring girls up here all the time.” John answered honestly putting his hands around my waist.

“Oh, don’t I feel special.” I said sarcastically, with a small smile.

To most this would seem offensive, but that’s just how our relationship worked. We were completely open and honest with one another about everything, even John’s vast sexual history. None of it mattered to me because it was the past. I enjoyed listening to him recant various stories about the harem of girls he had dated and been with. He remembered them, every single one, every name, every face, every story. I found it captivating, and after most stories felt like I knew them myself. At least that small part of their lives they shared with John.

“Well you should. It’s been years. Like since high school… I think Marijke and I came here once, but aside from that you’re the only girl I’ve brought here in a really long time.” John answered leaning in to kiss my neck.

“I feel so privileged.” I answered leaning into John’s kiss, until his hand left my waist and found it’s way under my shirt.

“Yes. You are very privileged, and very, very naughty.” John answered, slipping his other hand under my shirt and bra pulling them both up exposing my breast as I leaned back on my elbows while he kissed me again cupping my breast in his hands and caressing them and pressing himself into me. “Do you want me to fuck you?”

“Well… that is why we’re here.” I answered, again reaching for John’s belt buckle.

“Yes… yes that is why we’re here.” John said with an exasperated laugh.

“What? I want you to fuck me. That’s why we’re here.” I said again, as a matter of fact struggling to get his belt lose.

“You’re adorable. I love you. Here. I’ll get it.” He said loosening his belt, exposing himself and pulling me close for another kiss before penetrating me hard and deep.

I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him closer once again catching the glint of the moonlight in his eyes before throwing my head back in the pure ecstasy of the moment.

“Lay down on the table. I’ll have more leverage.” John whispered in my ear breathing heavily.

“Okay.” I answered in-between frantic breathes of my own. I lay down as he grabbed my hips and pulled me closer to the edge of the table before grabbing a fist full of my hair in his right hand, and my breast in his left.

It was all that I could do to stifle my screams of pleasure. I closed my eyes for a moment taking it all in before opening them once again to watch the stars and the moon as I climaxed, followed by John shortly after. We paused for a moment, but only a moment before John stepped away from the table to fix his shorts and belt. He didn’t go far, but I chose to lay there on the picnic table still completely exposed. My shirt up under my arms, and my skirt crooked and up over my navel. It seemed like forever that I lay there just staring deeply into the night sky. I would have stayed there longer, but the soft glow of headlights on top of the hill ruined the moment.

“Kelli! Kelli, hurry! Someone called the cops!” John called franticly from a few feet to the left of the picnic table.

I jumped up, pulling down my shirt as quickly as I could.

“John where are you? I can’t see!” I whispered.

“Right here. Here!” John answered. “Over by the tree.”

“Which tree?” I asked heading in the general direction of the tree line.

“Right here.” John said, reaching out of the darkness grabbing my hand, and pulling me quickly down the path. “If we hurry we can cut around and hopefully get to the car before they notice us.”

“Shit!” I yelled stepping on something sharp on the path, and stopping in my tracks.

“What?” John asked stopping with me.

“My shoes! I left them on the table. I stepped on something.” I answered.

“I’ll buy you new shoes. Can you walk?” John answered bouncing around trying to goad me further down the path.

“Yeah. I think so.” I answered hobbling along after him.

We came up on the far side of the parking lot, an empty running police cruiser sitting next to John’s Carolla.

“Quick! It won’t take them long to figure out where we went.” John said as we darted across the parking lot, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot.

“Fuck. That was close!” John said, checking his mirrors every few seconds just to make sure we hadn’t been followed.

“Tell me about it.” I answered, leaning forward in my seat to latch my bra and straighten my shirt. “I can’t believe I forgot my shoes! That sucks! They were my favorite pair.”

John drove around for a good fifteen minutes just to make completely sure that we weren’t being followed, and then we headed for home. Most of the ride had been silent while we were listening to the radio until seemingly out of the blue John spoke.

“Did you really mean it when you said you wanted to get married?” He asked cautiously as if expecting me to say no.

“Yeah. Of course I want to get married. I love you.” I answered, turning my attention from the passing scenery to John.

“So let’s do it. Let’s get married.” He said perking up in his seat.

“Wait… what? Are you serious? Today?” I asked, still not entirely sure if he was being serious.

“Seriously. If you want to get married, lets get married. It doesn’t have to be today. I’m not leaving for three more weeks, but lets do it. Before I leave.” He answered.

“Well…. okay. I’ll marry you.” I answered happy tears overflowing from my eyes and my voice cracking.

“Yeah! I’m going to call my dad in the morning. We’re getting married.” John said again a goofy smile spreading across his face.

“I need a dress. I don’t have a dress! Or invitations, or anything really.” I answered.

“We can just get married on base. Just us and my dad. Then when I get back we can worry about all the ceremony stuff.”

“Okay. That’s cool. I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as we’re married.”  I stammered, wiping away the tears still leaking from my eyes.

“Right. That’s all that really matters, and I don’t want a big wedding anyway. I always kind of envisioned it as like a cookout by the pool in my parents back yard. My dad can grill stuff and we can have your family and a few friends. Just hang out and have a good time.” John said still beaming ear to ear.

“Okay, that sounds great actually. My mom will be so excited. Actually getting to meet your parents. She’ll be able to die happy.” I laughed.

“Yeah.” John answered as we pulled into the driveway and made our way inside.

It was late, and we were both excited. We quickly got ready for bed and snuggled in next to each other. We discussed more of our wedding plans, picked a date for the ceremony (August 13th, 2008) and slipped quietly into the most peaceful blissful sleep I’ve ever had.

“Goodnight Future Mrs. Helt.” John whispered in my ear before he gave me another long squeeze and slipped off to sleep.

“Goodnight Future Hubby.” I replied returning his squeeze.