The Hardest Part

These are the times that I hate Bloggies… the times when I get knocked down either mentally with intrusive thoughts or physically with a cold/flu. Mostly because it requires me to slow down, reevaluate and take it easy for a bit. I’ve been struggling with both here recently, although I’m fairly certain the intrusive thoughts are simply because I’m taking cold meds. lol. Speaking of which…. benefit to being allergic to acetaminophen? I have to take Dimetapp. Delicious, grapey, nostalgic Dimetapp. lol. ANYWAY… back to the point…

So I’ve been having these crazy dreams for the past week. They’re not nightmares, or even bad dreams really. They just put me in a mental place I would rather not be in. Last Friday was the worst, and I’m not particularly sure why. That was the peak of my emotional involvement and it’s been slightly dwindling every since. The dreams have been tapering off, (or I’ve just been to knocked out to remember them) and the cloud of depression is lifting. Which is a good thing, aside from the fact that now that emotionally I’m in a better place my body has given out on me and I’m laid up with a nasty cold/sinus infection. 

I skipped the gym this morning to give myself a little more time to recover and it’s driving me batty. I know it was the best thing to do, because if I keep physically pushing myself while I’m only operating at 70% I’ll never get better, and the likelihood of injury increases, which would take me out of the “game” for much longer than a few days. I KNOW this to be true, and no one is really expecting me to be there. It’s not like there is a requirement for participation. Yet, I still felt like I was giving up, letting myself down, and that I should have been there today. Until I went out for a quiet walk around the neighborhood this morning. As I was wheezing/coughing around the last corner I realized that skipping the gym was a good idea.

That has been my biggest struggle in training. Learning the balance between pushing myself too hard vs pushing myself to be better. I do have a tendency to sell myself short a lot of the time on what I’m actually capable of (and does it ever annoy my coaches lol), but a lot of that stems from keeping everything else about myself in check. My anger, my rage, my insanity… all of those things that I have to constantly reign in and tone down I lose parts of myself along the way. Parts of myself that until now, I never noticed were missing. 

It’s frustrating to say the least, but anyway…. my brain has stopped functioning in complete sentences so I guess it’s time to set this down and do something else for a while. lol. Until later Bloggies. 🙂