Pants Kick

Grrrrr…. I’m frustrated with myself today Bloggies. I woke up in a funk this morning, which pisses me off because it’s our anniversary and I don’t need to be moping around in a funk today. I’m not exactly sure what sparked my funk, especially since the past week has been really good, but here we are.

Actually I do know exactly what spurred it, but I don’t feel like getting into the nitty gritty of details here. I’m I a mood and anything I say/type will come back to bite me so in an unusual for Kelli move, I’m not going to talk about it. Well directly anyway lol. You get this nice vague post to watch me dance around the issue, but that’s it.

I’ve just got a lot going on right now, and I have a lot of waiting to do. I am a woman of action. I HATE waiting for anything. Which is actually what gets me into so much trouble most of the time lol. It’s also why I rarely make plans farther than a few weeks out. I’m scared/excited about traveling with Nora and visiting my friend in Seattle. I’m happy/sad my other friend is moving away AS SOON AS I GET BACK FROM SEATTLE. I’m proud of our marriage for lasting three years despite our struggles with my wacky emotions, and mad at fate for only having courthouse marriage ceremonies on Wednesdays and Thursdays causing our anniversary to fall on today. Three years ago I laughed, today I hate it. I’m mad at myself for hating our anniversary date, and I’m even more mad at the reasons. I hate feeling watched, being hovered over and “controlled”. I hate the fact that even publishing this post about MY OWN DAMN FEELINGS is going to be a time bomb of drama. I hate my intuition for being right all the time, and I hate my knowledge and insight which gives me the ability to understand it. I hate my curiosity for pushing the limit, and my inability to walk away from a problem without a solution. I hate the fact that my brain is wired where trauma/chaos = comfort, and quiet/calm= pain. I hate not being able to make a simple choice and act upon it with out mountains of self analysis and doubt, because the person who lived through all of that mess, the part of me who survives against all odds is not a nice person. With out my constant self awareness, which drains me to the core, I am all that made me.

So days like today, I kick myself in the pants. It’s no ones fault, really. It’s the inner struggle that I will have for the rest of my life. At least now I know that it will pass, and where the feelings are coming from. That helps a lot. Writing helps a lot too. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.