Paranoia vs Vigilance

One of the biggest battles I fight on a consistent basis with my PTSD is the intrusive thoughts and subsequent anxiety. It is a VERY fine line between my hyper vigilance and flat out paranoia. Sometimes, especially when my intuition is going crazy I feel more paranoid than anything else. My brain and coping techniques say: “Logic says this: STOP FREAKING OUT.” but my emotions say: “SCREW LOGIC. THIS IS NOT OKAY.” and then the internal battle ensues, which normally results in me doing something stupid and seemingly completely random to those around me. Thankfully for the masses, I’m getting a lot better about the self control aspect of it. My stupid incidents are getting much fewer and far between. I suppose it’s all part of the learning curve, and correcting behaviors that have been a part of my life for so long. 

The other thing I really struggle with is victimization. Not VICTIMIZING, but allowing myself to become a victim. Because of my history and my disorder situations that “normal” people would consider highly dangerous seem like a walk in the park to me. I often get into things I have no business being involved in by chance and accident. Trouble finds me so to speak. lol. Not because I really WANT it to happen, but merely because it simply doesn’t occur to me until it’s too late. So, in my efforts to redevelop my shattered sense of self protection I have been studying all sorts of human behavior. It’s been extremely helpful in one respect. I’m much more guarded and not quite as trusting as I used to be, but at the same time I feel a lot like I could be overanalyzing situations and turning them into things that they aren’t. Does that make sense?

I haven’t quite reached the balance between the vigilance needed for self protection versus flat out paranoia. I think I have such a difficult time with it because the majority of the people in my life at the moment are fellow victims. There are VERY few of them on the same level of healing that I’ve achieved recently, so my concepts and coping techniques are scary. No one really wants to dialogue about it, so…. here I am trying to heal, but with out a decent support system. It’s really putting me in a weird spot emotionally, but at the same time everyone has their own pace and time frame for healing. I can’t expect them to immediately jump up onto my level even if I present them with the same things that have worked so wonderfully to help me. 

I don’t know. I just feel very isolated right now. Not because people don’t care or want to help, but because I don’t really have anyone to challenge me. Aside from my therapist, but that’s what I pay her for! lol. While she excels at her job, I don’t really want to pay to brainstorm for an hour with some one. I want some one to brainstorm with for free! I’m starting to put myself out there a little bit more so hopefully my network of friends will grow to include a brainstorming buddy or two. We’ll just have to wait and see I guess.

Until later Bloggies. 🙂