This is a Big One

I have made a terrible mistake. I don’t know if it is because of the way my mind works, or… I don’t know. It’s all been a part of my healing process, which has helped me a great deal until now when I can feel the weight of my effects on others. I wasn’t entirely aware of it until yesterday. 

The stories I’ve shared here, of my pain, struggling, and dangerous encounters with my previous relationship are the very reasons my feelings for my ex have been so intense and difficult to deal with. They are the reasons that I LOVED him. It never even crossed my mind that others would find the same reasons unacceptable and UNLOVABLE. I’ve been over here thinking: “Oh look. Look how beautiful this moment was, sure it hurt, but look how much he grew from it. Yeah there were moments of struggle, but each one was also followed by a moment of triumph. Who WOULDN’T love this guy?” Those have been my thoughts sharing each and every moment I’ve shared here. 

Unfortunately the rest of the world has completely missed the good, the triumph and the beauty of those moments all consumed and focused on the bad. Which has inadvertently had grave consequences for him. Ironic that I’m the one with the moment of triumph and he has been the expense. It’s true I asked permission before writing anything here, and he offered it willingly. It’s not like I went behind his back and maliciously attacked his character, but oh the weight of it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

This was the last thing I wanted. My words are pretty much useless at this point. All the apologies in the world can’t undo the damage done which twists the knife a little harder.