Navigating Dark Waters

I’m back Bloggies! A bit sooner than expected, but that’s really a good thing. 

February is traditionally a very difficult month for me, especially the days right around Valentine’s Day, and I wasn’t exactly sure how it was going to turn out since I’ve started my therapy. I took a break because I didn’t want to write anything in a state of high emotional anxiety that I would immediately regret later. lol. It turns out that even though I was anticipating a lot of triggers, and a lot of depression it honestly didn’t really phase me at all this year. There were some tears shed at the beginning of the week, but aside from that and a little extra retail therapy yesterday I’ve been doing surprisingly well.

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the beginning of my journey to self discovery. I don’t exactly know WHY everything came to light on February 14th of all days, but it did. It was when I really started to notice that something was “off” about myself mentally speaking. Of course being sixteen just starting to get out into the world I was actually exposed to a lot more people and a lot more problems that I hadn’t yet to experience. It was quite a learning experience, and being undiagnosed but experiencing all the symptoms, and irrationality that comes with PTSD made it extra difficult. There was a lot of angst, and a lot of anger that built up that last year and a half before I moved out of my parents house. I’ve always been a little nutty, but I was EXCEPTIONALLY irrational and HIGHLY emotional. Blundering my way through things that most people my age could navigate with ease. I threw myself into my work, because it was the one place that I felt safe. My naturally built survival instincts, tenacity, determination, and dedication was a prized commodity in the small fast food franchise that I worked for and I quickly made my way up the ranks. Which ruffled a lot of feathers, partly due to my age, partly due to the speed with which I was promoted, and the responsibilities I was given. Mostly, it was just plain jealousy. 

It was then that my safe place turned into another battle ground for my sanity. Rumors started, lines were drawn, and I was once again on my own. Only enhancing my feelings of anger and resentment. A few years went by, and I became so jaded and apathetic kind, friendly Kelli all but disappeared. I really was NOT a nice person busily protecting myself by lashing out at others and had created quite a void between myself and my coworkers. I really just wanted to isolate myself and reboot, but because of the nature of the business I couldn’t. I had many more enemies than friends by the time I was finally able to move out of my parents house and detox from it’s toxic environment. 

Each subsequent February had it’s own set of challenges making me grow to despise the very idea of the month in itself. My dread and avoidance of each recurring event only made things worse. 06, 07, and 08 were definitely the most poignant in my journey, but I’m not going to get into the details here. It’s the first time in a long time where I am associating them with the past instead of the present and I don’t want to tempt fate and inadvertently trigger myself by trying to explain. SO… sorry… vague yes, but it is what it is.

I’m not a believer in astrology, but something about February always means explosive emotions. The planets must align just right, it’s the only thing that even remotely makes sense. Regardless of WHY it happens, it’s a definite pattern of behavior, and now that I’m in a place emotionally where I can look back on it objectively, I see it. I don’t exactly know what it means, or how to effectively interpret it, but I am aware of it. Which is more than likely why my intuition has been going bazonkers. It is February after all. Fate is in the stars.

Happy Valentine’s Day Bloggies. Hugs and <3’s to all who need them today.