After really analyzing my most recent trigger I came to a rather… I don’t exactly know how to describe it. A revelation, but more than that. It really revealed to me the core of one of my more traumatic periods in my life. There have been several, so it’s not like it’s the cause of my PTSD, but it is definitely one of the biggest contributing factors. It’s the root cause of most of my nightmares and flashbacks. It’s definitely the trauma that is closest to my heart. I’m going to share it here today, but not in too much detail. It’s going to be pretty vague mostly because it is traumatic, and I don’t wish the burden that I have on anyone else. This has been haunting me, and will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life. That’s just how it works. No one can make it better, no one can take it back, it’s just as much a part of me now as it was then, and unfortunately always will be. I can take the edge off by writing about it, but it won’t ever go away completely.
The thing that gets me in those quiet moments with Kevin somewhere in-between wakefulness and sleep, the calm darkness of our bedroom, is the association with a previous relationship. Not in the way that you think. I don’t long for a lost love, in fact it’s not the quiet moments with my past that come to mind at all. It’s the fact that after those quiet moments, when I drifted off to sleep more often than not all hell would break loose. During the very early stages of my previous relationship the man I was with suffered from violent night terrors. Yes, there were times that I got caught in the crossfire. More than a few times I ended up getting rousted out of bed, and tossed onto the floor, but other than a few minor bruises the damage was superficial. It was scary, but what truly resonated with me, and haunts me wasn’t anything he did, but what he said. The terrified screams, the begging and pleading, the tears of raw agony. That’s what affected me more than anything else. There was absolutely nothing I could do except ride it out. Sometimes depending on whatever it was that sparked his nightmares I could sit there and hold him until the moment passed, but most of the time even the most gentle touch would send him swinging, or scrambling for a weapon to defend himself.
I honestly don’t know the root cause of his nightmares. I asked him about it a few times, but he would change the subject or avoid the question. I got little bits and pieces here and there over the course of the time we spent together, but never the entire story. I actually got more details from what he said in his sleep than any conversation we had when he was awake. Those details I’m keeping to myself. He doesn’t remember any of it, other than what I told him after the fact or asked him about, and TRUST ME, it’s better that way. If you bring it up, it will trigger him. At least in my experience. Whenever I pestered him about it, and tried to get to the bottom of it the intensity of his nightmares magnified ten fold. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, leave it alone.
Watching the man that I loved go through that, was the single most traumatic experience in my life to date. Yes, it trumps being robbed a gun point and locked in a freezer, my miscarriages, our battle royal break up, losing my job/house, all my crazy health scares, childbirth, and even my accidental letter from Indiana regarding the vaccines. When I think of trauma, I think of those screams in the middle of the night, and tumbling out of the bed onto the floor in tears, laying still as a stone until whatever storm stirred up had passed.
I don’t want to hold him responsible, because I know he wasn’t lucid, and he has no idea what happened. But the fact of the matter is, it did happen and it had a devastating effect on me whether it was intentional or not. Dancing around the issue or trying to justify it as anything more/less is only creating more problems. Now that doesn’t mean that I’m bitter, angry, or incapable of forgiveness because that’s not true. Even before I really understood what was going on, I accepted it as part of who he was, and more than anything I really just wanted to help him. I didn’t know how to do that, so I just loved him even though we weren’t really compatible as a couple, and he didn’t feel the same for me. It was the only thing I knew how to do. Now whether it was me sticking around through everything that eventually helped him get it back together, or just time I don’t know. I don’t need to know. I was more than willing to stay with him as long as he “needed” me. I don’t regret it, and given the chance I would do it all over again with out hesitation. I’m not sure what that says about me… but I AM crazy after all so it doesn’t have to make sense. That’s just how it is.
Anyway… this post took a lot out of me today Bloggies. I need a hot soak, and long nap with some hot tea. Until later 🙂