So that letter that totally freaked me out the other day? Apparently it was a computer error that sent the very same letter to hundreds of parents. Yes, that’s right. A computer error sent me a message automatically, and I freaked the eff out. The moment I realized that it was just a simple computer error causing me to freak out, I had to laugh. I guess that answers my question: “Who does that? Who freaks out over a computer sending an automated message?” Thank you Karma. I am quite sufficiently chastised.
ANYWAY… yes. Crisis averted. Nora is completely up to date on her shots, and we are completely within our rights to refuse the flu vaccine as it’s not legally required. Even though it was a computer error which sent the message, it doesn’t explain the implication that we were some how breaking the law by not giving Nora the flu shot. The whole circumstance surrounding the letter is just shady, and I’m going to pursue it a little more as the week goes on, but the immediate issue has been resolved.
I’ve calmed down a little bit, but I haven’t quite recovered just yet. I’m still very edgy but much less “stabby”. That’s what we’ve christened my Hulk mode here around the House. “Stabby”. I’ve always known I had super strong maternal instincts, but WOW did this take me by surprise. It’s not the first time I’ve flipped out in the name of protecting my progeny, but it IS the first time since my diagnosis and reaching remission. Which I sincerely hope I didn’t lose after all of these shenanigans… I’ll see how it goes over the next few days. I’m definitely not as calm as I have been in recent weeks, and I’ve found myself returning to a lot of my hypervigilant patterns which is discouraging.
Honestly, I’m really pissed off at myself right now. I know that it was a trigger, it wasn’t just me “over reacting” or being “dramatic” in the moment I felt that it was completely life and death which is why I reacted so strongly, but it frustrates me that even after the vast improvement I’ve made over the last few months, something so seemingly trivial could set me off. Especially when I’ve been confronting triggers left and right with ease to get completely blind sided by something so simple. I’m also really irritated with where my mind goes in times of intense stress, how I immediately revert to my self destructive criminal youth. I didn’t act on any of my intrusive thoughts, which is good, but they really took over for a few days.
Kevin thought I was mad at him, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want to talk about it, because I just wanted it to go away. I didn’t want to feel how I was feeling, and talking about it would have only made it worse. So I sort of closed down and pulled away from him, which made him feel inadequate and hurt his feelings. THAT made me even MORE mad at myself, because I know he loves me 100% with out a doubt, and he was only asking me out of a place of concern what was wrong. It’s not like he was trying to make things worse, he didn’t even know what was going on. He just wanted to make it better.
Unfortunately I’ve discovered that as much as I want support and acceptance, sometimes there are just triggers I have to deal with alone. I have to get away from the house, and just be alone until I can get my thoughts back in line. Some times it takes days, sometimes hours, and in the past before I was diagnosed it would take months at a time. I’m feeling pretty good today, so I think the worst of it is over. Still… that one was a doozy Bloggies. Anyway… I’ve completely neglected all of the house work this weekend being a mad at myself and hiding under my blankies moping around in bed. lol. I need to get it caught back up. Until later Bloggies. 🙂