Oh No, You Didn’t

Dear Indiana,

I know you did NOT just send me a letter telling me that MY child is required to have a flu shot, because if MY child “needs” unnecessary vaccinations to reside in your state we are packing our bags and moving else where. We have given her every other recommended childhood vaccination with out pause or complaint, but after much discussion with our pediatrician we decided that MY child did not need a flu shot. I am a stay at home parent, MY child rarely leaves my care for more than a few hours, nor is she exposed to any other children on a regular basis. My decision for MY child, in MY home, under MY care is none of your damn business. So if you could kindly fuck off, I would appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Me

In case you couldn’t tell from above I am LIVID after receiving a letter from the State informing me that after checking Nora’s vaccination record that she is required to have a flu shot. Not only have my maternal instincts kicked in, but the complete and utter violation into my personal life has triggered my PTSD. My heart is racing, and I am shaking as I type this. So much for remission!!

I can barely see straight right now, my chest is on fire from my muscles being tense and ready to spring into action plus apparently at some point after putting Nora down for a nap and reading the letter I blacked out. I sat down at my computer to write, then when I got up to get Nora ready for dinner I found EVERY SINGLE light on in the entire house. Even in the spare bathroom which I rarely ever venture into. I don’t remember even going into the spare bedroom let alone turning on the light. Which scared me even more, which made things worse. That’s never happened before, and it’s extra scary because if I was wandering around the house completely bat shit out of my mind, what else could have happened? I absolutely CAN NOT be anything less than 100% mentally aware with Nora in the house for any reason EVER. I am in ultra fight mode, and it is taking every ounce of restraint I possess to not hop in the car and flee to Ohio. Seriously, if Kevin didn’t have the car I would already be on the road. I am pacing back and forth not doing anything productive but attempting to disperse some of this energy with out smashing things, or screaming obscenities in the living room. My breathing techniques aren’t helping, sitting in the dark with my lavender scented oil isn’t helping, even rationalizing the fact that I’m only reacting so strongly because of the PTSD isn’t helping.

I have NEVER been this triggered before. Not one single time in my memory have I felt the way I do now. Not ever. I can’t even find the words to describe it. I’m not angry, I’m not scared, I’m not NOT any of those things. It’s like a perfect storm of hormones and emotions completely Hulking me out right now. OMG seriously, I have GOT to get it under control before I have a stroke, or end up doing something really stupid since I’m probably already flirting with CPS right now. That is the last thing I need.

Nora needs me HERE with HER, not in prison. This will be my mantra as we move forward with this. As soon as I calm down I’m calling her pediatrician. There is a paragraph in the letter from the State saying it’s possible their records are incorrect, so I am HOPING that it’s a clerical error on some other shot and NOT just the flu shot. There is always that possibility, especially since our pediatrician’s office has a lot of interns right now from the IU hospital. That is the logical, rational thing to do. Calm down and inquire about it, hoping that some intern forgot to enter something into the computer correctly. I might have Kevin do it though, because I think if I have to hear it out loud from some one instead of just reading it I will burst into tears or start screaming. Either reaction is not good.

This is the scary part of being diagnosed with a mental thing while raising a child. I can’t tell the doctor’s office the reason I’m freaking out so badly is because I have PTSD because they have to report that. I’ve supposedly missed a vaccine somewhere, and now I’m having a freak out in the pediatricians office? CPS would be on my doorstep before I got home. Which would NOT help in the whole PTSD thing, then I would end up in prison or the loony bin and potentially lose custody of Nora, which would KEEP me in prison or the loony bin. I’m not being dramatic either. If something happens and CPS shows up at the house, I’m going to be admitted somewhere for an undetermined amount of time. No amount of logic or reason will prevent me from protecting my child, and if some one tries to take her from me all hell will break loose. Just putting her in the nursery for an hour at church did a number on me, I don’t even want to think about anything else.

You’ll have to excuse me, I think I might just be sick now. Until later Bloggies. 😦