Starving the Beast

Bloggies, I have a freakishly acute intuition. Part of it comes from my brain always being in terror mode thanks to the PTSD, and part of it I’ve always just had, but didn’t entirely know what it was. In the past if my intuition was buzzing I would search high and low to figure out why and what was triggering it. That lead to a whole host of extra stress that I didn’t really need in my life. Putting me into awkward positions wrestling between friends and enemies, sharing what I stumbled into vs keeping my mouth shut and…. well basically it was feeding into a constant dramafest in my life. My intuition is never wrong. I know what’s up whether I search for an answer or not, I just found in the past it was easier to silence the beast by finding out what was wrong, as opposed to ignoring it. That left me spinning my wheels, constantly on edge, and almost consumed with it. Not exactly obsessed because it wasn’t an overwhelming need that controlled my life all day every day, but not exactly able to ignore my anxiety either.

About a month ago I decided to take a different route. Instead of feeding my anxiety and freakish intuition, I would starve the beast so to speak. In order to facilitate this I deleted my personal Facebook page, and vowed my days of mutual internet creepery were over. Which they are. Why my intuition is so tuned in, I have no idea. Like I said, it’s always been that way I just didn’t necessarily know what it meant until I started exploring the rest of my psyche. I could list countless examples of how my intuition has been right over the years, but that’s not the point. The point is, I’m really struggling with this right now, and I’m not exactly sure what to do about it. It doesn’t have anything to do with triggers, it doesn’t have any sort of manic depressive pattern, it’s not even a constant problem. The only way I have to describe it is sort of a pull on my heart strings. A pin prick in the back of my mind that doesn’t go away, or at least hasn’t gone away until I found the source of the tug/prick.

In all 100% honesty, that is what lead me to an email account I hadn’t checked in years. My intuition. It’s what lead me to write down my memoirs and my PTSD diagnosis. It’s what led me to Indiana, it’s what lead me to pink baby clothes before we knew Nora’s gender during my pregnancy… It’s always been there, so I’m not even sure if attempting to isolate myself and “starve” it is even going to have any benefit. I just know that following my intuition has gotten me nothing but grief, sadness, and drama and I really don’t want that in my life anymore. Not that I’ve ever really WANTED it, but I’m finally taking steps to stop it versus just dealing with it. At least I think I’m taking steps to stop it… maybe. I don’t know.

The only reason I bring it up is because my intuition is all over the place these past few days. Something isn’t right, but I don’t know what. For the first time in a very long time I don’t feel the need to seek out exactly what’s wrong, but it’s still there. SO, whatever it is, I am sending out positive vibes. Hang in there, good luck, don’t give up? Whatever the appropriate well wishes are I am sending them to whomever needs them.

Anyway…. we’re still snowed in, and everyone is getting really antsy. Not to mention that we’re running low on groceries, and Kevin is out of cigarettes. They’re supposed to lift the travel restrictions at 10pm tonight, hopefully they do because if I have to spend another entire day trapped in the house with nicotine deprived Kevin there will be blood! lol. Not really, but… maybe. Until later Bloggies. 🙂