I have been given this amazing ability to unlock the secrets inside my mind. I know exactly where to go, and what to do to get myself back in line with out medication, especially with the new tools provided to me with my diagnosis and therapist. It’s comforting, but also incredibly taxing to have this ability. Doing what I know is best, versus what I want to do is a daily struggle. Especially when I have to dig up things that have been buried. Unfortunately things do not get to stay buried with Kelli, because they never truly are. They are always constantly becoming nagging intrusive thoughts, nightmares, dreams until I bring them to the surface.
Bringing them to the surface doesn’t just pull the memories to the top of my mind, but with them come all of the emotions. It feels like a tide waxing and waning right now. I’m all over the place. Not in a manic depressive kind of way because my core emotions are the same through out it all, but like waves. Waves of long forgotten memories are washing ashore, but as quickly as they come again they are gone in and out of my direct conscious. It’s not just the emotions either. The smells, sounds… it’s like I’m THERE all over again. Last night when I went to sleep, even though it’s the absolute middle of winter here in Nowheresville, I could feel and smell the scent of summer on my skin. The warm night air, the crickets, the scent of the body spray I was wearing, the scent of the car interior… it was all there so fresh in my mind. Triggering the massive flood of emotions I had during the event, and then it was gone.
It happened three or four times before I actually fell completely asleep. This is kind of a new experience for me. I’ve never actually been able to trigger a flashback before now. Or well I guess I haven’t been aware of them until now, so I can’t really say that I’ve never experienced them before, but being aware of what’s going on is new. It’s almost like lucid dreaming. It’s an interesting experience that’s for sure. I haven’t decided if I like it or not just yet.
And now I really want to go watch Inception, because that’s kind of how I feel. lol. Actually Nora is up from her nap and ready for lunch. Until later Bloggies. 🙂