Repressed

Continuing writing assignment we hit a little snag last night. I was writing down a memory casually and calmly until things stopped making sense. I could remember bits and pieces but it was like flashes here and there, which is odd. Normally if I remember something it’s just as clear as the day it happened so when I DON’T quite remember what happened it’s usually a sign of some unresolved trauma. Sometimes it was completely insignificant and my brain is just like: “Whatever, this memory is pointless we’re going to make way for more important things” and I just can’t remember, but when I get little bits and pieces like that it’s cause for concern.

I kept working on it all day. Trying to remember the context, the day itself, what I was doing where I was going and decided to write it all down even as choppy and nonsensical as it was. It took me the entire day, but eventually I found the key to the lock so to speak and the entire event came flooding back to me. I reacted much the same way as I did during the actual event and just sort of wrote it down as quickly as possible and moved on to something else. Which was good, and I was fine until about 10pm last night. Then the anxiety hit me. The fact that I had experienced this life threatening thing really sank in, and triggered me hardcore. I knew what was happening so working through it was easier than it has been in the past and waking up this morning I was back to my pleasant mood.

It’s really weird to see these events pop up, and to see what I remembered versus what I forgot. Looking back on them with my fresh prospective really kind of makes me second guess my sanity there for a while. lol. Well not that I’ve ever been the standard definition of “sane” but you know what I mean. lol. Which then lead me to this thought. Knowing what I know now, in the same circumstances, would I have reacted the same way?

The thing that truly bothered me is the fact that I don’t really know. I’d like to think that most of the mistakes I made were attributed to my youthful ignorance, but… I don’t really know. That’s really all I can say about that. lol. Anyway… the Little is throwing dvd’s all over the place. I need to go get her interested in something else. lol. Until later Bloggies. 🙂