Choices

Well I wasn’t going to blog today since Nora needed some extra snuggles yesterday and I kind of had to neglect NaNo, but it seems that life wants me to blog because Nora and I are yet again stranded with no car. Thankfully we’re at Kevin’s work so we’re just waiting for him to come out with the keys to the Jeep, but yeah. Waiting waiting waiting.

While I’m waiting I’ve been thinking a lot. Not just about my novel and everything else associated with NaNo but a lot about my personal revelations this week. There have been a whole lot of arguments and opinions tossed into the mix. On one hand it’s awesome that my friends are like: “you? A mean horrible person? Never!!” Which is encouraging that I’m no longer who I was, but then it brings up the whole issue of do people really change?

I believe that they can to a certain extent. There will always be the true nature of a person just because until you realize that you have a problem you only know how life has been up until that point and how you’ve learned to cope with it. The whole nature vs nurture thing. The way you are raised does have an impact on your adult life, but it doesn’t have to DEFINE you in your adult life. I believe that once you recognize that there is an issue with your behavior that you have a choice. You can either choose to continue the behavior or you can choose to stop.

That too, is like a powder keg of different opinions. What consitutes unacceptable behavior, and are we on some subconscious level still acting on the impulses of our youth even after we’ve made the decision to change? Do we unknowingly slip back in to old comfortable patterns or is it society itself that boxes us off into our own little corner with a warning label?

I don’t know, I’d like to believe that what I’m doing as far as my writing and publication is a completely conscious choice, and that I’m not harboring some subconscious agenda. I know why I write, and I am also painfully aware of how my writing affects the lives of others. Although I have to wonder how much of that is my responsibility. True, I do have the choice to write here in the public theater, but on the same token everyone here has made the choice to read it.

To endure the weight of others decisions is unfair, especially after I have gone out of my way to be accommodating. I guess the same could be said of me, which is why I’m not lashing out in anger. I have my reasons for writing here, there are those who may not like it yet for their own numerous and valid reasons continue to read. I don’t really understand, but I can at least accept it and respect them to the best of my abilities.

I only ask for the same amount of respect offered in return. I refuse to fight about this any more. I have offered every resource and acceptable compromise I can think of, I am open to more ideas but not writing here is not an option for me. No amount of badgering, bullying, threats, or crocodile tears will change that. I refuse to choose between your sanity or mine. I am taking the appropriate steps to put a lid on my runaway brain. I would ask, respectfully, that you do the same. If you can’t be around me, or can’t see me in your FB news feed please take the appropriate steps to correct the issue. It’s not my fight anymore.

4 thoughts on “Choices

  1. People don’t have the right NOT to be offended. They do have the right to walk away.

    That’s something a lot of people need to understand. If you choose to read something and end up offended or angry or upset…and then you choose to keep reading it over and over and over, that’s your own damn fault, not the writer’s. People like you’re talking about above make my head explode.

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  2. Well it’s like I said. I recognize that I’m not entirely with out blame creating the various circumstances… I’m just exhausted today. Mentally, emotionally. The whole nine yards.

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  3. I’d be surprised if you *weren’t* exhausted, surprised and concerned. You need to vent, you need to sort through stuff, and you need to write, that’s how you do these things. If people read it knowing they’re going to get all in a tizzy about it, that’s on them. You’re looking to come to terms with your past; they’re just looking for something to be mad about. Keep writing, keep being honest, and fuck ’em if they don’t like it. (Although duck to avoid the drama flying. šŸ˜› )

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  4. Basically, I’m being long winded when I really should just say: you nailed it in your last paragraph. Dead on correct, my dear.

    (NaNo encourages me to ramble; it’s a difficult habit to break. Forgive me.)

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