A Little Heartbroken

This morning at 2am while brooding over my assignment for therapy this week I realized something really important, and a little heart breaking about myself. I’ve discussed it a little bit here before, not in recent years so I don’t know how many of you, Bloggies, will remember. The relationship I was in prior to Kevin was abusive. It was, but not in the classic sense that I was a battered woman, no… Noooooo, in fact the realization I came to this morning was that while it was an unhealthy abusive relationship, I wasn’t the victim. Yeah, you read that correctly I was NOT the victim.

It’s a really hard thing to write about, especially here in the public eye because I don’t want to speak for the guy I was with before Kevin, but I feel that it’s important to discuss in relation to myself and my journey through all of this mess. At that time in my life I was just coming out of some of the more traumatic event periods, and my triggers were very sensitive. I mean, literally the drop of a hat would send me off into a fit of rage. Depending on how severe the trigger was, depended on my level of violence.

I attacked him, multiple times over the course of our relationship. Physically only once, more often it was verbally. Honestly the reason it was only physical once is because of how he reacted. I’m not going to get into the details of all of that here, but even though he was a big strong man, and I was a tiny little woman his reaction was more than justified. This tiny little woman in the midst of my PTSD Rage, broke down a door and tried to push him out a second story window. If he hadn’t taken the stance to defend himself and switched me over from rage to fear I would have seriously injured or killed him, and that’s the truth.

Society says: “Whatever. He’s a man he should have just stood there and took it.” and to a certain extent that’s true. If I hadn’t been in the middle of a psychotic rage, and just pissed off I wouldn’t have been able to inflict any significant damage. He’s a big guy, my tiny little fist would have just bounced right off and barely left a bruise if I had just been angry. I was beyond just angry. I felt no pain, I had no conscious, I was going to hurt him. He recognized that and reacted accordingly. Completely justified.

As I realized that, I started thinking back on every other confrontation we ever had, which lead me to the uncomfortable realization that 98% of the time, I had initiated them. The reason he reacted so strongly, and treated me so poorly was merely because he was emulating how I had been treating him. I say 98% of the time because he also has triggers. I’m not a psychologist, I can’t say for certain what or why, but there are most definitely benign things that will set him off, which created some additional friction between us.

For so long I’ve been harboring this anger at the way he treated me, I didn’t even stop to think about how I was treating him. I realized that I had been unfair to him back in July, but I didn’t fully realize the depth of it until now. I mean unfair is not even a proper description of how I treated him. It was cruel. It was abusive. It really, really got to me. I’ve been a blubbering mess pretty much all day coming to this realization. I loved that man more than life itself, but he never believed me when I told him, and it’s taken me almost nine years to figure out why. I guess you wouldn’t feel very loved when you were trying to be with an angry woman who has an acid tongue, prone to psychotic fits of rage now would you?

Taking to an even more gut wrenching level are all the conversations we had. I was going to leave him, because of x,y and z. I didn’t really love him because of x,y, and z. He wasn’t good enough for me because of x.y, and z. Sitting there trying to justify why I was so cruel to him, and trying to figure out what was wrong with him to make me so hateful. It wasn’t even him it was me.

The memory that spurred all of this giant revelation I wasn’t going to share, but I think at this point I should. When I met this other guy we worked together. We ended up going to a class for some food safety certification. He wasn’t having a very good day to begin with, but I didn’t notice until after an entire day of merciless badgering and just being plain mean to the guy, he ended up crying in the back seat of my car as we drove home. Well okay, he “got something in his eyes” and then immediately “fell asleep” for the duration of the trip. Like I said, he wasn’t having a good day to begin with, so it wasn’t ALL me what drove him to tears, but I also didn’t have the sense to see that he didn’t need some one to make his day worse, he really just needed a hug. Which, in a nut shell, is how the rest of our relationship went. Yeah. I feel like an AWESOME person right now.

But, this has all taken place eight almost nine years ago other than choosing to move forward and make an effort not to make the same mistakes with Kevin there really isn’t anything I can do or say. I mean if an apology would make it better, I would gladly apologize but it really doesn’t affect things either way. Actually it would probably cause more drama making an effort to apologize than just leaving it alone so… y’know.

Anyway… I’ve been crying about this for almost twelve hours now, it’s taken most of the day to finish this post, and I really have to stop dwelling. It’s time to get up, move on, and pack that memory back into my “repressed” file. lol. It was kind of a long winded crazy deep post today Bloggies. I might take a blogging break for a day or two. Until later.

4 thoughts on “A Little Heartbroken

  1. Sounds like you’re making wicked progress if you can both come to a conclusion like that AND embrace it, no matter how painful. And while it doesn’t excuse the behavior, try to remember that a smidgen is probably just because we’re all assholes in our late teens/early twenties. The issues you were dealing with (that kept accumulating as time went on) certainly exacerbated things.

    Give yourself a tiny break. From what I’ve read, it’s not ALL your fault. You may not be blameless, you may have a high degree of responsibility, but it doesn’t sound like you’re the one who needs to take all the blame. It sounds like that was a terribly toxic relationship on both sides. 😦

    *hugs* Hang in there, love.

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  2. Yeeeeeeeah…. We’re pretty much even in the damage we inflicted on each other I think. And now we’re even in the guilt department too!! Ugh.

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  3. Isn’t it weird how you can just have an “Oh shit” moment where you see something from a completely different angle and it just warps your entire perception? I experienced something very similar when I suddenly realized that my Mom was a victim and not just a willing enabler to my narcissistic father. It’s hard to navigate such a dramatic paradigm shift, so some tears are definitely in order. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

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