Revisions

So I’ve been posting all over the place about the article I’m writing… everywhere except here! lol. Yep, I’ve submitted an article to be published. It was such a whirlwind thing, and there is so much else going on in The House of Hale right now I’m sort of at a loss for words…. not what one wants with the obligation to write an article! lol.

Basically it’s about my PTSD, how the diagnosis effected me, and my family. Nothing written about anything but me and how to deal with the entire process of accepting your diagnosis and what nots. The only problem I’m really having is getting my word count down to the 900 word limit. lol. Such is the curse of a writer with so much to say!!

It’s funny actually having been presented with the problem that I have to write “only” 900 words. Three years ago I would have been like: HOW AM I GOING TO WRITE 900 WHOLE WORDS??? Now I’m like: HOW CAN I GET THIS DOWN TO JUST 900 WORDS?? It’s a good thing to have some direction with my writing though. I’ve been blogging for so long I’ve kind of forgotten how to write an ACTUAL article. It’ll be interesting to see where it goes. I should be working on my revisions right now…. but I decided to take a break and get the words flowing.

On the subject of revisions… after a particularly deep session this week I’m making some much needed revisions in my life as well. I kind of got a glimpse at my own dark side this week, which made me realize that a lot of the decisions I’ve made in the past three years have been made for the wrong reasons. Not that they were the wrong decisions, I just wasn’t really thinking them through all the way, and because I’m a very opinionated person I can kind of unintentionally bully people into getting my way. I’m very emotional, kind of brash, and it comes off as very intense or intimidating to some people. Which then leads them to do things that they wouldn’t otherwise do.

Of course, because I’m not intentionally TRYING to bully or manipulate people as soon as some one says: Hey! Knock it off! I stop, and apologize. Some times I’m a little more persistent than others, especially if I really don’t understand what the problem is (which is often), or if it’s something that I’m REALLY PASSIONATE about, but if I am afforded a certain amount of patience to let things sink in, EVENTUALLY I’ll get it.

If I don’t have some one to keep me in check, I have a tendency to take over everything, and just completely run the show. Kevin and I got married when I wanted to get married, we had Nora when I wanted to have Nora, we bought this house because I wanted to buy this house, we’re trying for Baby 2 because I want Baby 2, it’s all me me me. I’ve asked Kevin his opinions on all of these decisions, but I wasn’t really listening to the answer. He never flat out said no, but he wasn’t exactly ready either. He was just sort of riding out the storm that is Kelli.

Now that I realize that, I feel REALLY bad. Like I’ve hijacked our whole relationship and turned it into something that it wasn’t really ever meant to be. Which is scary. Both because I have this wealth of sociopathic tendencies, and if Kevin never really wanted this in the first place what’s keeping him around? Is he afraid to speak up and voice his opinion because he doesn’t want to endure the wrath of Kelli? Or is he actually okay with everything? There’s a lot going on right now so instead of freaking out as I usually would I’m putting on the brakes and reevaluating.

Mostly because I’m pretty ashamed with myself, not because there’s really any giant looming marriage ending issue going on in the House of Hale. It’s just me working through everything. I can NOT continue to stress how much I do NOT want to end our marriage. No one is leaving, no one is moving out, no one is being unfaithful, there aren’t any PROBLEMS. I am fixing a PAST problem with my self, and to do that I’m sort of starting everything over from a fresh prospective. Revising my life, just like I’m revising my article.

Anyway… it’s getting kind of late. I should probably be getting to bed. Kevin’s birthday is tomorrow! We don’t have any plans really, but I don’t want to sleep all day that’s for sure. lol. Until later Bloggies. 🙂