My brain is about to melt. It’s been working in over drive for several months going through all of this new found territory with my diagnosis, and it’s starting to fizzle out. I can’t write ANYTHING right now. Blogs, emails, comments, text messages, nothing. The words are just not flowing anymore. It’s one of the most extreme cases of writers block I’ve had in a very long time. It also makes me wonder if I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe writing things down isn’t helping me heal, but only stressing me out eight million times more? I think I need some alone time. Just me and my thoughts.
Especially with this most recent homework assignment from my therapist. I’m supposed to write out the ideal conversation between myself and other parties to bring complete closure in all aspects. Removing all variables, and other people’s feelings you would think would make the assignment really easy, but in reality not so much.
I guess I feel kind of like it would be getting my hopes up because I can write it every day for the rest of my life, but it’s never going to happen. It’s just not. I can accept things the way they are now. I mean it’s far from the ideal situation, but it’s comfortable. I’ve been dealing with all of this drama and these unnecessary “rules” of engagement for almost a decade. One part of me is sitting here saying: “What the hell, this is insane! You shouldn’t have to jump through all of these hoops!” And another part of me is sitting there saying: “Whatevs, Dude. It’s cool, just leave it alone.”
It’s like playing with fire. No matter what you do, inevitably you’ll get burned. That’s kind of what I’m stuck with right now. I have two weeks to get my head on straight since my therapist is going on vacation, but I don’t even know if that’s going to be enough time. lol. I guess I’ve finally arrived at the real meaty parts of my problems and it’s going to take a while to chew on.