Part of this faulty wiring is dealing with the things that set me off. Some of those are THINGS which are relatively easy to deal with, because things don’t have feelings or families or anything else to consider. That’s just on me.
The most difficult to deal with are the PEOPLE who trigger me, or rather person. Yes, there is one person that mentally brings me to my knees even at the mere mention of his name. Which is incredibly difficult since my Father In Law and Brother in Law both share his name. I don’t think that he intentionally TRIES to be this way and do this to me, especially since he has (had?) no idea of my pre-existing mental issues. So it’s not that I BLAME him, or that I’m mad at anything, but I do have to deal with the repercussions, which can be any number of things. Panic attacks, fits of rage, introverting away from everyone. The best way I have to do that is write about it here.
I don’t know what to do about this. The way you’re supposed to fix things that set you off, is slow exposure over time. With things or situations I can do that. I can’t just be like: “Excuse me, I need to spend time with your husband. It’s for my mental health, you’ll get over it.” A) I happen to know the spouse stuck in the middle of all of this, she’s awesome, and even though for various other reasons and circumstances we can’t “be friends”, I still consider her a friend and would never even fathom asking her to put herself through that. I mean yeah, I’m writing about it here and she may or may not read it, but this is me just thinking out loud. She knows that, but to actually ask her? Uh, fuck no. Yes that’s how serious I am about this. Even if an offer was made I would refuse simply because just… I don’t know, personal integrity I guess? I’m just not going to do it. and B) because it’s incredibly inappropriate for me as a married woman to be spending any amount of time with another man, especially one who inspires such a strong emotional reaction. It’s just not a good idea.
So we seem to have reached a stalemate. He can’t get over it until I get over it, but I can’t get over it unless I can get over HIM which I can’t because life is complicated and too many people got involved and too many people will be hurt. This, Bloggies, is why you deal with your issues directly upon ending the relationship and don’t want until YEARS later when you have so much to lose. I guess it’s not a terrible thing to have at least some closure regarding it. I mean I feel a lot better that it , at least, ended nicely for once instead of in a screaming match or fist fight. Nothing really nasty was said (to me anyway) so really, if I didn’t have this faulty wiring I wouldn’t be stuck on it. I mean logically I have no valid reason, it’s just the nature of my brain chemistry unfortunately.
The only other thing that bugs me is that even though we have TRIED fervently to avoid each other and all of the drama, life keeps throwing us back together. Not in the sense of a relationship or anything intimate like that, but into the same literal space. At the same time. It’s really no wonder I’m crazy. lol. Anyone ever watch that movies Number 23??? Anyway… Even though we’ve all come to the agreement that it’s best we all go our separate ways, and try to pretend the others don’t exist, I don’t think life, God, karma, fate, whatever belief you subscribe to, is going to let us. He, Trigger Guy, has been in and out of my life since I was twelve. Not in a romantic sense (OBVIOUSLY) but none the less. Honestly because we seem to be cosmically intertwined, and my grandparents lived in the same general area that he grew up in, we probably ran into each other once or twice BEFORE I was twelve, but I really only remember the time at the mall.
Not because of anything HE did, but because it was the first time I was allowed to go off in the mall with my friends and didn’t have my mom tagging along with us. I was wearing my obnoxiously orange pants, which he commented on as we were walking by his kiosk. My friend stopped and bought something from him, and we left. A completely innocent, and legitimate business transaction, with a slight hint of snark. Little did I know that years later the obnoxious guy at Chuck E. Cheese (while I was attending some function for my little sister) was the SAME guy from the mall, or that I would run into him YET AGAIN a few years later and actually get to know him. We dated, it wasn’t meant to be, and we’ve been trying to split up ever since. While we’re not directly involved with each other any more, things keep happening and we keep fighting. There was a nice lull there for about two and a half years, then a neglected email account started everything all over again.
At least this year we just ended up talking instead of fighting, which was a nice change… although there are still three odd months left this year, anything could happen really. Especially since I’ve started sharing some of our stories relating to my journey. Inevitably I will remember something differently than he does, write it here, and he’ll find out about it. Whether he reads it himself or not. Some how, because my life seems to be a giant cosmic joke in regards to this guy, he’ll find out. Then he’ll feel compelled to correct me, just like he did way back in the day when he felt compelled to tell a random girl how dumb her orange pants were.
Why write it here then you ask? Because currently the blogging community is my only leg to stand on as far as support goes. I have to get it from somewhere and right now this is it. I have a few friends I can chat with privately and when they have time I do so, but everyone is busy with their own lives. They aren’t an undivided audience like you are Bloggies. Right now I need to say a LOT because there is a LOT going on in my head and while people make an effort to have time to listen to me (which I am supremely grateful for BTW) some times it’s just not enough to complete my thought like writing here is. I guess I’m being kind of selfish really. I just feel so trapped and isolated at the moment.
Ugh… I have found myself in quite a conundrum that is FOR SURE. Anyway… I have more important things that I need to be doing right now. Until later Bloggies. 🙂