You know, it’s very hurtful and discouraging when the people closest to you, the people you want most to understand think you’re only claiming insanity as a pathetic cry for attention. You know, because the only real contact I have with the outside world is my blog and FB so when I post things here or there expressing myself it immediately means I’m being narcissistic and only want pity.
Let me set the record straight right now. This is MY LIFE. It’s nothing new, or some random thing I picked out of a hat to project on myself for the sake of entertainment. Just because I can give it a name now, doesn’t mean it hasn’t been a constant struggle in my life. Maybe those close to me NOW don’t really see it, but for those who have seen me at my worst it makes perfect sense. I don’t ever really have people get close to me for this very reason. I’ve always known I’ve been a little off, but until now I didn’t take the responsibility for it. I was living in fear and denial about the whole thing which was only making it worse.
The only way to deal with this is to take the bull by the horns and OWN IT. Part of that is admitting I have a problem, part of admitting I have a problem is talking about it and because I have isolated myself here in Nowheresville the only way I can do that is here on my blog, and through social media. You don’t have to understand it, you don’t have to like it, but if you are going to be in my life you DO have to ACCEPT it because it’s not going away.
Yes, I’m angry and hurt, and yes I’m telling the world but this isn’t meant as some sort of passive aggressive stab at people. This is me, finally taking ownership of my life and setting boundaries. I love every single person who I’ve been blessed to have in my life currently and in the past dearly. More than can ever be expressed in words, but I can’t continue to put the needs of others paramount to my own needs. And that does NOT mean that I’m going to throw caution to the wind and be a terrible selfish person. I will ALWAYS consider the feelings and emotions of others in my own actions, but it can’t be all about them anymore. It has to be a balance.
It’s going to take some time to figure out that balance, and yes at first it’s going to be awkward, emotional and messy sometimes. I’m not going to give up on any relationship I have wether friends, aquaintances or family I can only hope that each one of those individuals chooses to do the same for me.
All of my actions in this journey have been inspired by love, not spite, hatred, or revenge. My love for my husband, and daughter. I don’t want this burden hanging over my family forever. I don’t want to be the mom who up and disappears for days at a time because I have an emotional breakdown over the most random and mundane thing, I don’t want to be the wife who can’t talk to her husband about why I’m upset by trivial things. I am fighting for my family and nothing else.