Beauty In the Breakdown

Bloggies I am here to admit that I am a victim of pride, and I have been dragging people along for the ride haphazardly for too long. Much like my wrestling with denial for so long, I have been stubbornly plodding along against the advice of my closest friends and family for many many years. It’s gotten to the point where it’s starting to negatively affect my marriage, and potentially my relationship with my daughter. It’s not something that can be fixed overnight, but I believe it is something that can be fixed. At least hopefully.

After a long heart to heart discussion with Kevin, I’ve discovered that I am exhibiting many signs and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And everyone all together: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? Whyyyyyy? You know, it’s really not that important as far as the what happened or why. I mean eventually I will probably have to talk about it to you friends and family, but it’s not something I want to put out there publicly.

There isn’t really any way to find out for certain other than swallowing my pride and seeking professional help, which has been a massive step for me. I’ve been bullied into believing I had mental health issues before and fought against it tooth and nail. I don’t know if it’s because I was in denial about the whole situation, or just because in past situations people have been so grievously wrong about me and the state of my mental faculties.

Yes it’s all very vague, and for that I apologize, but it’s a delicate dance through the tangled webs I’ve worked myself into. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I don’t blame anyone, and I sincerely don’t want this to sound like some sort of guilt trip. I haven’t even been officially diagnosed yet so I don’t want to cause waves for no reason, but I do know that if whatever it is turns out to be PTSD I need to talk about it. I can’t keep it all bottled up so here I am throwing it out there.

It’s taken me almost a month to be able to talk about it with Kevin, and try to figure everything out honestly. This isn’t going to be easy, and it’s really pretty terrifying especially with all of the recent changes to mental health laws around the country. NOW is most definitely not the time to be developing a mental disorder lol. Well unless you want the government knocking on your door stripping you of rights because you are “unstable”.

It needs to happen though. I need to do this. I’m not going to let something that happened nearly 20 years ago which I inadvertently got swept head over heels into destroy my marriage, or my life. I’m just not. It’s ILLOGICAL. *ahem* So here we go Bloggies…

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