This isn’t about any thing or any one specific, this is about a problem I’ve encountered consistently through out my life. I figured since writing about everything else helped so much, that maybe writing about this would also provide me with a light bulb moment.
I am a carrier. The smallest, most insignificant things strike me a certain way, and they just stick. Like I’m a giant piece of mental fly paper or something. lol. It’s part of what makes me so deep, empathetic and introspective, but it’s also part of what makes me difficult to get a long with, stubborn and annoying. I am completely and utterly aware of it, but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to change it. It’s like there is a switch in my head that refuses to turn off.
Part of it is my associative memory. In order to remember things I have to create an association with something else. Normally my brain just defaults to however it is that I’m feeling at the time. So if I’m extra happy, I associate that feeling with people/places/things, but it also works with if I’m extra sad, mad, depressed, the entire spectrum of emotions. Whenever something happens to inflict those emotions on me it immediately brings up any association. Even if I’ve had them buried for a long, long, LOOOOOOOONG time. Then it usually sends me into some withdrawn, distant phase until I can figure out how to burry them again, which causes it’s own set of problems in my world where I can’t exactly be distant and withdrawn while taking care of Nora and Kevin.
Most people, or at least most people I’ve encountered, don’t have this problem. Or they don’t admit it, I haven’t really figured out which. They’re all like: “Oh just let it go. You need to let it go. Stop dwelling. You’re only making things worse, think of all the good things, blah blah blah etc.” While I appreciate the fact that they want to help, and they can’t possibly understand, some times it’s all I can do to not scream and yell and pitch a fit about it. Or be hurt by their casual nonchalant attitude towards my woes and conflicts.
I envy those who can store away their emotions and put on a happy facade even while going through difficult times. It’s a skill I’ve never been able to master and it has brought on loads of ridicule and misunderstanding. I guess I’m just a sensitive soul. Well that, and I refuse to let myself become cynical and jaded. Feelings are meant to be felt after all. They won’t really go away just because you try to ignore them. I guess it’s really not about allowing the feelings to happen, but what you choose to do because of them? Maybe that’s the secret? Meh. It is clearly all a mystery to me. lol.
Anyway… enough depth for today. lol. Until later Bloggies! 🙂