Into a New Decade

2019 has been the year where every sentimental thing I’d lost or regretfully given away has returned to me.

It started in March with our anniversary. Hubs and I finally had the opportunity to visit my favorite museum the National Air Force Museum in Dayton. It was a great nostalgic trip down memory lane. A lot of happy memories were stirred around for once, and Hubs loved it. It was the first time I had revisited in over ten years.

Then in May I had the opportunity to visit an amusement park with memories from my youth as well. Hubs went with me once again during that adventure and we spent a wonderful afternoon together reliving more happy memories. The weather was perfect. I also had the opportunity to shuffle around in my parents attic and find Wally, a sentimental blue stuffed walrus that I thought I had lost. I found a bunch of sentimental old toys which gave me the opportunity to talk with Hubs a bit more about my actual childhood and began to unlock the initial trauma that caused my PTSD.

Then in June I had the opportunity to help someone during our weekly trip to the grocery store. She was looking for athletic shoes and everyone she approached either ignored her or couldn’t help her. I noticed and was able to offer her assistance. After she found the shoes she tracked us down and gave me four dollars in $2 bills. It seems random, but when I first began to gain my independence I took the $2 bill my grandmother had given me when I was born and put it in my wallet. I had to spend it in 2009 when I was at my financial lowest. I felt awful, but it was either spend the last $2 to my name on something to eat, or go hungry. I chose to spend the bill. It was gifted to me as a token of good luck which I wanted to replace eventually and never got around to it, until bumping into this woman at the grocery store. I was honored that she would bestow such a significant token of appreciation. One is still snugged safely inside my wallet.

In August I finally found a replacement for the sentimental Kanji jewelry I haphazardly gave away before I realized the significance of their meaning. That was quite a story in itself, if only for the coincidence that the bracelet came from Ohio just a few miles away from where I received my own jewelry and had been sitting in storage before getting sold off at an auction. I doubt that it was part of my original set, but it was fun to imagine all the possibilities. It was always going to be special, but having it arrive with such dubious origins made it even more so. It actually inspired me to write another novel. I’m wrapping up my first draft tonight.

Being inspired to write a novel after finding my bracelet I also chose to end my National Novel Writing Month tenure. I’ve participated for the past 9 years and while it’s been a great experience over all, I want to step aside and let the younger crowd experience the challenges and community that NaNoWriMo has to offer. I’m an old pro at this point. I’ve discovered the methods that work for me and refined my writing process. It’s time to step aside.

The real kicker was in October when the police contacted me to tell me that they found the car that was stolen from me in 2006. In fact, it was THE POLICE themselves which, ironically, had lost it after the initial investigation. The paper work was misfiled leaving the car to sit in the impound lot forgotten until a new employee took over the evidence locker THIRTEEN YEARS LATER.

That was an exceptionally difficult emotional transition. It was wonderful to have the closure of finding the car and seeing everything that I thought I had lost forever one more time. Almost symbolically everything that my ex had left in the car was destroyed, but most of my sentimental objects were left intact. I lost one journal, but found so many other things that I never imagined I would ever see again.

I also had the opportunity to really address the trauma bonding I’ve struggled with in regards to my ex head on for the first time since we split up. Well, no I won’t say the first time. We’ve bumped heads in terms of trauma bonding a few times, but this year was the first that I could actually recognize the feelings for what they were, process them and move forward with out self sabotage or reaching out to him. I was legally obligated to inform him of the status of the things left in the car, but I did so in a way that didn’t require any direct contact. It was a really big step for me in my overall healing process.

It’s nice that 2019 was a year of closure and meeting goals. Not only does it wrap up the decade, but it also brought me closure to these things as well. As long as my ex himself doesn’t try to come back to me (HA hahahahaha) I think we’re all good as we move forward into 2020. Hopefully the new decade also brings new blessings.

There is one final thing that I’ve decided to wrap up as the year draws to a close and that is this blog. It’s been my lifeline for the past 10 years as I came to terms with my trauma and the circumstances surrounding it. My writing career has taken me in a different direction, and really other than a few stressful events here and there I haven’t been giving this blog much attention. It’s been a wonderful part of my healing journey and I’ve loved interacting with all of you over the years. I’ve made some great friends along the way. I’ll stay in touch. It’s just time to put the blog away and make space for others in the blogosphere.